a sea of wonder~
Jacques Yves Cousteau once said:
"The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever."
13...twenty~seven plus quite a bit more...
one month has passed on by
without my weekly writings of thirteen
the good ol' saying of
be careful what you wish for
hit me full swing
this seemed to sum up what my days had been
13...twenty~seven
i made a HUGE error in speaking
a disastrous careless wish
i wished for more travels to seattle
and well more travels were granted
i am becoming a professional hospitalite
{hospitalite: one who makes frequent visits to hospitals}
one month ago we were preparing for one sister to undergo surgery
one surgery came
one sisters cancer removed
a night nurse i became
and the day nurse as well
peaceful was the resting
few were the hours to be
recovering both her and i
Someone once said:
"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us...They are those who win battles we know nothing about. "
in the darkness she sits
13...twenty~eight
unfortunate news was told
one father to endure even more procedures
alas presenting oh yes more trips to seattle
with undetermined time lines
then a warm full moon rose
an illuminated sky sat above
luna shined ever so bright
luminous was the world in which we know
i snuck out back
me on my knees
in the dark of the night
in the quiet of all
and prayed to any and all who would listen to me
Jeremy Taylor once said:
"Prayer is the peace of our spirit, the stillness of our thoughts, the evenness of recollection, the seat of meditation, the rest of our cares and the calm of our tempest."
we as a family have been an uphill journey
climbing one mountain after another
trudging along
reminding our selves daily
...one.day.at.a.time...
13...twenty~nine
waking
needing a reprieve
warmth blanketed the morning
a family aboard
an adventure at hand
a bowl full of blackberries
and bounty of blueberries
space to move
air to breath
solitude in wandering
far enough away
yet close enough to feel each other
hanging onto the day
Someone once said:
"Breath in joy and strength. Breath out wisdom and peace."
LIFE'S SHOWER
{captured as we were quickly driving by...hence the blurriness}
funny how you miss things
never knew this was here
13...thirty
needing a sprinkle from life's shower
fascinated by the brilliant mind of thee
art that lifts one spirit
and fills one soul
words of wisdom
lighting up the days that feel dark
another procedure endured for our father
confirmation of cancer is told
our hearts left bleeding
wondering how can it be
two in a family
at the exact same moment in time
how much more can be endured
Someone once said:
"Strength is something you choose."
words can not express the spiraling effect of our days that have been
13...thirty~one
momentum
somehow
someway
something has kept us going
being able to keep up the pace
forever thankful though it is happening at warp speed
plans have been laid
now we all attempting to prepare
one sister hears more in the way of news
blessed by the grace of time
a gift of kindness
the magic of hands
and a gorgeous sunset to add
Hermann Hesse once said:
"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure."
de~compressings~
summer has been here
but we have not
our days have taken captive over our time outdoors
without much thought
i woke saturday
and said we need to go
i needed out
i needed to be wrapped in the warmth of summers sun
i needed to breath the freshness the sweetness of air
i needed to clear my mind
i needed to pretend just for a moment that there is nothing
i needed to be surrounded by the beauty of life thriving
i needed to be apart of nature in its flourishing moment
heres to savoring one of summers day
M.J. Durkin once said:
"Breathe in the fresh air of the freedom to create your own mood rather than the stale air of being a prisoner of circumstance."
holding him~
with just enough time to recover from one sisters surgery and the post op days that followed
we are crossing the bridge once more
this time with our father
this time with less certainty as to knowing what is fully going on
because of the kindness and care that overflowed and the magical powers of good intentions sent forth
one sister is recovering beautifully
and so it is i ask once more
think good thoughts
think good thoughts...that our father will undergo and awake from surgery with out any complications
think good thoughts...that our fathers right lymph node on his neck has remained small {after biopsies taken last week they were able to drain it...which they found a bit strange...but some what good as it does not so much present itself as a typical cancer} if it has grown they will be removing it
think good thoughts...that the surgeon will remove the mass at he base of his neck without complications and that it comes back as non cancerous
think good thoughts...that the surgeons biopsies on the base of our fathers tongue comes back as non cancerous
think good thoughts...that our father will find comfort in the days ahead as he recovers and gets the answers he is looking for
please hold him in your thoughts this day
holding her~
we ask of you
to hold my sister in your thoughts
as you go about your day
think good thoughts of her surgeon...that he will skillfully remove each little bit of cancer that resides within her
think good thoughts...that those little monsters whom decided to set up home in her body will soon be at loss
think good thoughts of her...that she will undergo and awake from her surgery without any complications
think good thoughts...that she will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably as she is in for a stay
think good thoughts...that this will be the FIRST and LAST time she will ever know the wicked "little c"
think good thoughts if you would please
Someone once said:
"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."
13...twenty six~
our days have been a continuous flow of
...sitting...waiting...sitting...waiting...
too many thoughts
too many possibilities
all shall be left unknown
until its secret is ready to be revealed
13
waking
accepting
quieting the minds of many
believing in my beliefs
one fathers procedure done
one sisters surgery coming forth
preparing for the coming week
attempting to balance the lives in my home
summers heat sneaks in
backyard camping
tangled fingers
bombs bursting
independence continually being sought
Peter McWilliams once said:
"If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts."
i do believe...we can not control life...life controls us...true we have the will and the choice to choose how we "want" or "think" we will go about our day to day...but life can strike at any given moment...changing your plan...changing your day...changing your life in an unexpected way...so there is no sense in battling the what ifs and whys...tis an answer you will never find.
life moments...two~
...when you take your father to a VETERANS hospital and your littles come along...
as adults, we understand there is a certain level of respect given as you walk through the hallways of a Veterans Hospital...an unspoken understanding that regardless of the outer or inner appearances and emotions...each of these men and women have endured life in a way most of us would never even fathom
LIFE MOMENTS...TWO
one wee little has to take a hundred trips to the bathroom...repeatedly...his brother and i would walk him down to the restroom and prop ourselves up against the wall across from where he resided...and inevitably as one wee littlest stood within those bathroom walls...someone would non nonchalantly walk up and knock on the door to see if the bathroom was vacant...and with each knock you would hear the voice of our little..
"HEY"
or
"I AM IN HERE"
and each time he came out, i would explain to him that he needed to remember his manners and try to use a normal voice
and he replied
"but mama, they're old and i was afraid they could not hear me"
true in many regards...most WERE among the elderly age
i understand but please try not to yell so loud
"ok mama"
now after a few hours passed
waiting for his poppi's surgery to be over
he says to me
"mama, i have to go to the bathroom"
"again"
"i have to sit"
sighing...i say let's go and his brother and i walked him back down to the bathroom
this time we decide to stand guard
both of us laughing as we each take a post and place ourselves on each side of the door
this time ensuring there will be no yelling from within the walls of the bathroom
a few minutes pass by and suddenly there is a LOUD sound
i hear the sheer panic in the voice of our littlest one
"maaaamaaa...what's happening"
its ok...its just an alarm going off...no worries
and just a quickly as these words slipped from my mouth
i see in the corner of my eye a shadow coming swiftly towards me
i turn to look and see a nurse standing there frantic
"is everything ok"
and as i stand there looking and hearing her words...it hits me...
that alarm that is ringing ever so loudly throughout the floor...that alarm
WAS SET OFF FROM THAT WEE LITTLEST ONE WHO WAS SITTING WITHIN THE WALLS OF THAT BATHROOM
oh my goodness...i am so sorry...he must of accidentally pushed the button
"mama what's happening"
"did you push a button"
"no"
the nurse stood trying to explain through the door how to push the button off...but nothing was making any sense to that wee littlest one
"mama...there is no button"
the three of us stood there looking dumb founded at one another
and then it stops
she looks at me
then turns and walks away
one wee older one and i can not help but laugh
"mama"
"yes"
"soooo, i was just sitting in here and well i was playing with this string on the wall...i was bored so i decided to tie it in knots"
THE STRING...i forgot all about the string on the walls
"bored eh...buddy...you can not play in the bathroom"
"mama...i wasn't playing...i was just tying knots and i did not know it would make a loud sound...i'm sorry"
"it's ok...just please next time...do not touch anything"
"ok..but then how do you expect me to go to the bathroom"
shaking my head
"no buttons or strings"
"ok mama...i'm sorry"
fourteen years~
i am understanding the age
lifes grand game of tug of war
the gentle pulling away
the unwanted letting of go
as much as i long to keep him safely tucked by my side...his wings are spreading day by day...flapping a little further from the nest we've created...boundaries being pushed...needs being extended a little farther by day
sigh...the years have passed on by far faster than i have wished
Forgiving
Optimistic
Unique
Radiant
Truthful
Encouraging
Enriching
Noble
Once more, the page turns, another chapter has begun
happiest of happy birthdays to our wee oldest one
arriving just in time~
one unique artist
whos work bestows peace
he reclaims the lost
bringing life back to the once was
upcycling pieces
forging by hand and heart
he creates the most wonderful bits of art i have seen
daily words 7
words and a bowl small enough to hold in the palm of your hand
quieting your mind
easing your thoughts
refocusing away from the negative
bringing the positive back to light
comfort~
sometimes
just sometimes
its finding and receiving comfort
in the littlest of things
to the person who thoughtlessly spit out their gum
thank you
your careless act
strangely enough
brought forth a sense of peace
during a time when needed most
Joan Borysanko once said:
"Everday brings a choice: To pratice Stress or To practice PEACE."
13...twenty three and many more~
tumultuous:
Making a loud, confused noise; uproarious:
Excited, confused, or disorderly
- TUMULTUOUS
clearly.sums.up.our.days.of.June
13...twenty~three
one fathers birthday celebrated
our anniversary came once more
a holiday together away
two troublesome phone calls
one sisters life takes an unexpected turn
one fathers life joins her possible path
savoring time
yet feeling lost within the minutes passing by
numb
pushing through
letting go
putting lifes troubles in the hands of the universe
hanging onto hope
Someone once said:
"So don't worry about tomorrow, For tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today."
13...twenty~four
a multitude of doctors appointment
another dental disaster
biopsies for one
more testing for thee other
optimism
melt down
flurry of falling outs
comfort in the words of a sister so so far away
time ticking
exhaustion setting
running away
stumbling upon long lost hidden treasures
riding the waves of life
Someone once said:
"I may not be the strongest, I may not be the fastest, but i'll be damned if i am not trying my hardest."
13...twenty~five
appointments keep coming
hearing haunting news
confirmation of cancer for one
yet more tests to be ran for another
sinking
yet trying to swim back to the top
encouragement
support
clearing the way through the blur of my days
sickness swirling
rainy days keep coming
mugginess that leads to an unpleasant stickiness
down on my knees
Victor Hugo once said:
"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, Whatever be the attitude of the body, The soul is on its knees."
4 days 3 nights...4~
as we make our way back home...it feels as if it was not long enough...slowly reality sinks back in and our days away become memories stored
eight years~
so big
yet still so small
last night
for a moment
just for a moment
he forgot how big he was
i started humming
and he asked
"mama will you sing the words"
he allowed me to sing to him just like i had for so many years
for a moment
just for a moment
i felt i had my baby back
Enthusiastic
Inspiring
Genuine
Humerous
Tender
happiest of happy birthdays to our wee littlest
4 days 3 nights...3~
William Shakespeare once said:
"When i saw you i fell in love & you smiled because you knew."
nine years later...he still smiles
i think he must know
4 days 3 nights...2~
watching the world go by
Cesare Pavese once said:
"We do not remember days...We remember moments."
4 days 3 nights~
because sometimes
just sometimes
we need to escape
"sometimes we all need to escape from our normal day to day...to breathe a little deeper...to sigh a little longer...to savor time together...to live in the beauty of life"
and so it rained~
first comes love
then comes baby
the comes marriage and a life living together
far from traditional he and i
not some perfect story told
kind of a wild love affair
for us
it fits
and i couldn't imagine it any other way
nine years ago
the sun rose
making way for clear skies
easing the minds of all
there was much still to be done
as this was an outdoor affair
it held tight till the moment my father said
"it's time"
as we walked down the stairs
the skies had turned gray
and the rain decided it was time to fall
we looked at each other and he said
"should we call it off"
i looked at him and said
"no dad, i am not going to melt"
my brother came running up and scurrying about
"hang tight"
he said
"let me at~least find you an umbrella"
in a flash he was gone a reappeared with a delicate pink floral umbrella
linked through our arms
one on each side
and an umbrella in hand
we began our long walk down to the isle where he had been waiting
on so it is
we were married this day
nine years passing
through winds and rain and thunderous storms
we have cleared the skies
washed away the debris
choosing to move forward each and every day
nine years passing
there has been love like no other
there has been laughter and play
there has been memories created
and moments that will forever remain
highlighting our day to day
nine years passing
ninety~nine more to come
serendipity~
life is not black and white
there are mass areas of gray shaded throughout
hues that deepen
saturating our minds
i hold tight to a memory
gripping the moment
so as to never let it slip through time as it passes
becoming a faint lingering thought of once was
i can see it
i can feel it
i often visit this day throughout the years
re~living that very minute when it all came to be
fifteen years later
it is still crystal clear
Punam once said:
"Love uses Serendipity as a pretext to find it's other half."
one hell of a man~
there are not many
that i look up to in this world
a handful to say the least
but there is one who sticks out indeed
we have had our moments through the years
the joyous relationship of a father and daughter
the ebb and flow cycles of growing each year
the good with the bad
the happy with the sad
fortunate am i to have such a soul
to carry me through
and continually guide me
throughout my day to day
fortunate for we
to have such a father
grandfather
brother...uncle...husband...and more
he is a light in this world that shines ever so bright
a gift to each
there is a certain manner about him
that touches the hearts of all who's near
wishing you the happiest of happy birthdays this year
you are one hell of a father
and
one hell of a man
Clarence B. Kelland once said:
"My Father Didn't Tell Me How To Live; He Lived, And Let Me Watch Him Do It."
13...twenty~two
pushing our limit
when we bought our home, we were told we'd be lucky if we got one more year with our roof and well we pushed our limits way to long, almost nine years of passing, putting it off, until now
13...22
settling on a black and gray
cringing as we handed over the cash
relief though in knowing its complete
peace of mind
accomplishing the to~do's
pondering colors for our exterior
shelf building
wood burning
aching mouth
nagging pain
dentist visit once more
being hopeful
it has to come to an end
let me tell ya, scheduling a dentist appointment to have work done on the same day as having your roof stripped down and re~done...yet again...not one of my smartest moves...