the sweetest softest fragile hints of spring~

a tiny fragment

connecting us to a past memory

a present thought

a symbolic piece of life

awakening our spirits

from the dormant ways of once was

warmth has slowly returned

light continually brinking upon the horizon earlier and earlier by each morning hour

dusk easing into night lingering as they mingle momentarily in the golden moonlit hour

rain falls

saturating the earth

grounding the roots of life that are waiting to emerge

we step a little lighter

smile a little longer

as we are present with the ever changing ways of springs season at hand

 

in darkness there is light~

the other day my love and i were talking

me: i think i stumbled upon one of my most favorite pictures i have taken

{to me...it is stunning...but its purely my own thought and opinion and i guess you could say i can be kind of partial to pictures i have taken}

 

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my love: you should take more pictures of people

me: i do...of our family and you

my love: no of other people

me: why...i don't want to take random pictures of people

my love: why not

me: because i do not want to

my love: well couldn't you just do it sometimes

{as he and i were talking i was pulling up the picture to show him}

me: nope...look

{he looks at the picture above}

my love: wow...you need to keep taking pictures of trees

{insert laughing} 

me: phew...glad we got that one figured out

 

I say:

"Living life is not about how someone else wants you to live...It's about living your life how you want to live."

 

 

36~

35

i remember the morning i was turning 35

my dad called and wished me well then ask how old are you going to be again

i said 35...he said god your getting old

i replied i know...i officially hit the half way point to 40

and as quick as can be he replied more like the half way point to 70

i replied thanks dad...way to really put my life in perspective

 

35 held a tumultuous amount of life changing moments

all packed into the mere 365 day that were

i think for the next 35 years now life will just be calm

wishful thinking right?!?

 

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i moved slowly within my final days of 35

i  pondered things i wanted to do to mark the final day

but decided otherwise

35 had i think enough momentous moments for me

so i settled for the nothing

 

36

is here

 

it was celebrated

QUIETLY CALMLY PEACEFULLY JOYFULLY

these past few weeks i have been

studying the art of doing nothing

and i think i can officially graduate with a masters degree

 

it felt nice

 

lately i have been thinking about

my life

where i want to be

what i want to do

and am looking forward to seeing where the days will lead

 

36

 

* finish writing one of my books

* print one my books

* sell one of my books

* continuing exploring new ways  of selling my photography

* become apart of a farmers market

* have a booth is some sort of fair~bizarre~flea market frenzy

* read my camera book

{i have had my  dream camera for almost two years now...its a lofty challenge for me...it is huge and filled with sssoooo much information...i can only sit for so long then i want to play with my camera...and alas the book gets put away for great lengths of time}

* buy the perfect shade of red lipstick

{i know this is silly but i am quite plain and simple...me and my rose lip balm go hand in hand...i realized it had been 18 years since i wore red lipstick...it was the first and the last and it was NOT BY CHOICE...i was summed to do such by my loving sister} even if i wear it just once throughout the rest of my life...i would like to attempt to try...though it is not to say i will leave my home...lol!}

* see montana

{i have had a fascination with montana ever since i saw a river runs through it years ago...my grandpa says why don't you just rent the movie again...so yes we are planning a road trip}

* zip line

* glass fusing

* pottery lessons

{in high school i never gave it a fair shot...i tried the wheel two times and decided it was not for me...i think it was because i really did not care at the time...it was a fun easy class i took to pass the time by}

* meet more of you wonderful people face to face

{was one of my greatest memories this year was being able to spend time with barry and fiona...two whom i had met through the land of blogs}

* camping...camping...camping

{as most of you know this is nothing new...just a normal for us...but our truck has been being rebuilt for the past year and well there has not been ONE single adventure since last february...so making it a priority to help my love with whatever i can in order to get our truck complete}

*  cold process soap 

{this scares me...i am not too good with chemicals...i have this fear i will blow something up...but i want to do this and my sister said she would assist and be my mad scientist}

* canning

{ i have done this sparingly...but this year i will be making good use of every waking thriving fruit and vegetable that comes to be}

*  begin teaching one wee little one how to drive

{frightening right...and i know he is not so little...but he's our baby...so little he will always be! i want to be apart of this process and memory}

* help one little become sponsored on his scooter

{sometimes we forget to really pay attention to the desire and strengths of our children...i want to help him achieve this dream...though he is doing amazingly well thus far on his own}

*  learn to play the violin

* double the amount we saved in 2013

* volunteer 

* continue eliminating useless consumed items in our house

* finish our floors 

{only have the living room and kitchen left}

* plant fruit trees

{thinking pears}

* pursue wine making with my love

* make kombucha

{failed at our first attempt}

* pondering joining the belly dancing competing & traveling group

{was asked last spring to join the competing group but had to decline do to our circumstances that arose}

* continue exploring life alone 

* master driving a stick shift 

(this is a work in progress that is filled with much laughter}

*  learn how to do stand up paddle boarding 

* learn a new language

* make salted caramels

* take an aroma therapy class

* sew more

* master knitting in the round

{i can knit perfectly well on two straight stick but still challenging to get my first round on circular needles to look uniform}

* ENJOY EACH AND EVERY SINGLE DAY WHETHER I AM DOING SOMETHING OR NOTHING

 

quite a mouthful right

wondering which one will i work on first

 

i may have used this quote before but its a good one all the same

 

Abraham Lincoln Once Said:

"In the end it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years."

 

clearing the fog~

my shadowy fog

that lingered for so long

is disappearing 

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life is feeling lighter

the weight of the world no longer sitting on my shoulders

 

i am dancing through my days slowly

swaying to and from

 

there are no swift steps to stumble upon

just rocking to and from

 

breathing ever so deeply

and enjoying every moment of such

 

doing nothing...absolutely nothing

 

ok...that's a lie...there is always much to do but once more we are falling into our own rhythm...not sure how many more times i can type such but this time it feels good...it feels right...it feels like it is going to last

 

Maya Angelo Once Said:

"Everything in the Universe has a rhythm, Everything dances."

9...5 & 6~

as february arose 

so too came another gentle tease from old man winter

dropping bits of love for us to discover

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9...5


our calmness abruptly changed

feeling as if life was tapping on our shoulders 

reminding us that at any given moment everything can change

one father back in the hospital

minds constantly changing

 harboring the uneasiness of choices

the universe unfolding its plans

{though i have come to realize...they are ones in which i will never understand}

the dust settled

and snow began to fall


Max Ehrmann Once Said:

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."




the waiting is over

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there is something EXTRAORDINARY that lies within my father

he has faced many of challenges and yet conquered on when most would have gave in 

 i honor him greatly


9...6


the waiting is over

a final word was given

one fathers treatment is that of a CURATIVE one

peace of mind for all

a sense of movement has begun

an accomplishment he will forever carry

TRIUMPH

attempting to settle once more

feeling the weight has been lifted



Thomas Paine Once Said:

"The harder the conflict, The more glorious the triumph. What we obtain to cheap, We esteem to lightly; It is dearness only that gives everything it's value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, That can gather strength from distress and grow."



my first of pints~

with thanks to our wee littlest one for supporting and capturing me as i pondered this thing called blood

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i will not lie

 

i have found many of excuses this past month

came up with zillions of reasons as to why i could not go

when really

there was no truth in even one

 

i knew it was something i wanted to do

but i also knew i DO NOT like being stuck by a needle

 

i am not the easiest one 

one poke leads to another and then another

with the high hopes of a nurses voice saying

no worries i can get it this time

it isn't until they wave the white flag and surrender to a higher one

that a needle finally slides into the place it belongs

then it is in co operation

of my blood wanting to leave my body

there have been many of times it has just flat out refused

resulting in just a few mere drops

 

i came to the conclusion long ago

that my veins

really do not enjoy

engaging in this kind of play

 

so as much as i felt the desire and need to go forth 

to step up and donate my first pint of blood

i was extremely hesitant

 

yesterday morning it dawned on me

we were officially falling into the final days of january

and i had yet to do this one little thing

 

i began dragging my feet

looking outside

seeing the dark fogginess of the day

saying to our littles well maybe tomorrow

 

then i realized

if not today then when

this is a conversation i have had to have with myself every now and again

i could be held queen of procrastination...a kingdom of  maybe tomorrows

 

i know myself quite well

if not now then i probably never would

 

and so i picked myself up

flung myself and littles into our car 

and we slowly made our way downtown

 

an hour or so later

we were walking back to our car

 

and in the end

the story unfolds

 

one vein happily obliged

one pint of blood was taken with ease

one arm proudly wrapped up in a bandage

and i walked away with a wonderful sense of gratitude

 

It has been said:

"True kindness lies within the act of giving without the expectation of something in return."

 

9...4~

januarys moments are a bit tantalizing 

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9...4

 

the freshness of air

the simplicity in being outdoors

balancing the contrasts of warmth and cold 

the light of day lasting an hour longer

 star filled skies

teasing delights of sunshine 

a wave of unexpected sadness

 comfort in knowing she was and is at peace 

haunting reminders of lost connections that run deep both near and far

 

Dr. Seuss Once Said:

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

 

forgotten silence~

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there is a forgotten silence filling our home

a quietness that became a faint memory in the back of my mind

 

we are feeling all a little out of sorts

slowly gathering our lives

and sorting them back out

 

i think we all became accustom to the way in which we were living

not so much because we wanted to 

but more so because we needed to

 

i am no longer marked by a calender of time

a movement that had me not thinking 

just actively doing

being driven by a force of what had to be done

 

yesterday was that of mostly sitting

with small doses of stirring about

 

reflecting upon what we overcame

and wondering now where my life will lead

 

sitting here this morning relishing in my thought 

"time is in the palm of my hands"

and pondering

what i shall do

of happy endings~

as with life...when one door closes...it allows for another to open

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for six and a half months...i have been reminding my mom that there

WILL

come a day when dad wakes and says

I WANT TO GO HOME

yesterday that day arrived

 

i am not writing to say that his journey with cancer is complete...it is a far cry from being over...he still will have years ahead of him of being watched and rechecked...but...yesterday marked a surreal turning point

he has come full circle

he has endured an excruciating treatment along side the many of unpredictable challenges that arose throughout the months that were...and as of late... his time has been spent healing...and healing he is doing in the most remarkable of ways

 

a bittersweet day this will be

 

though we all are yearning deep within

to go back to our normal ways of living

there has been a silence of comfort that has lingered

all of us together...depending upon...relying upon...a needing of sorts

 

it has not been because of  

ONE but of ALL

including each of you

together we carried each other along

 

i am filled with the deepest of gratitude

one that has overwhelmingly filled me with tears

 tears in knowing

my father is here

he fought one of the hardest battles a man can fight

one in which some do not walk away

but for him

he is walking this day

and i know will be for a long time to come

 

 

Mathew E. Fryer Once Said:

"With every road block a detour is built. With every ending a new beginning is defined. Embracing a challenge makes life interesting but overcoming it makes life meaningful."

 

 

9...3~

it has been few and far between that i have walked away from a week feeling completely at ease

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JUBILANT

feeling or expressing great happiness and triumph

 

9...3

 

walking away from many moments feeling jubilant

one father marks a turning point in recovering

our lives slowly beginning to return to their rhythms of once was

a mailbox being filled with letters from afar

silent pick me ups laced with love

time with pen in hand

art through that of different eyes 

rain subsides

simmering in the goodness of life

 

 

Rumi Once Said:

 

"Let  yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray."

 

when darkness arrives~

there is a unquestionable fondness i behold

wrapped within  januarys dawn and dusk skies 

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when darkness arrives

it beckons with light

the softness of pinks

tainted with golden hues smeared throughout

silhouettes and shadows reflecting

mingling perfectly

the contrast of dark and light

a sense of warmth is given

as it slices finely through the crispness of winter

a dance begins 

as dawn and dusk unfold

weaving a summertime dream~

 in darkness i dreamed

of the spring and summer months

time spent lingering through the farmers markets

picking the produce

tasting the sweets

and filling my bag full plum full of treats

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somewhere along the line

i drifted from markets

to a bag of overflowing adventures

just large enough for a weekend getaway 

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within a ball of tangled twine...i weaved a summertime dream of mine...i could see the brightness of light...i could feel the warmth beaming from our golden sun...i could hear his voice as he says now and we gleefully oblige...with bag in hand i gathered our things...we hop in our truck knowing where the road will lead will be that of newness...unplanned and always unknown as that is the manner of him...we wind around curvy roads and over the hills to places that seem untouched by another...we inch our way toward the mountain side until we find a river that lie...and out we go...bag in hand...a sense of peace rushing over us...knowing we are exactly where we belong that day...in some forgotten place...where no one else is surrounding our space...a moment in time...to sit in the silence of the glowing hot sun and live within that summertime dream

 

Louisa May Alcott Once Said:

"We all have our own kind of life to pursue, Our own kind of dream to be weaving, And we all have the power to make wishes come true, As long as we keep believing."

9...2~

makes me think

a golden hour

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9...2

 

a january storm

winds that spoke far beyond a howl

rains that came with a fierceness that spread

one fire place roaring

many moments of just being

no needs to be met

having only one place that was calling

a sense of time at hand

embracing each day as they begin unfold

 

 

John Boswell Once Said:

 

"Winter, a lingering season. It is a time to gather golden moments, embark on a sentimental journey and enjoy ever idle hour." 

 

 

13+1~

 

 

every year is a little different from the last

 

a practice for years i have come to know

i chose to draw up a year of cards 

it is always with the intention of at least 12 to come forth

yet strangely enough there is always a different way of sums 

 

there are ones that gently fall from my hands

and then there are ones that feel as if they leap from the pile

saying its me...its me

 

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this practice is simple

mindful for me

 

a reflection as the months make way

offering hindsight as the days within unfold

 

a glimpse of a possible future

 

knowing all the same

that life can change in a simple blink of an eye

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a tool

that leaves me hopeful yet warned

 

an offering 

 

a way to glance to and from

with a deeper understanding for the things that arise

 

it is in doing

appreciating each as they lay

 

it is in knowing you can not meld them as you wish

and in believing that as with life and living all things change

 

they are a sense balance amongst the unknown

 

 

Joseph Campbell Once Said:

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."