januarys moments are a bit tantalizing 

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the freshness of air

the simplicity in being outdoors

balancing the contrasts of warmth and cold 

the light of day lasting an hour longer

 star filled skies

teasing delights of sunshine 

a wave of unexpected sadness

 comfort in knowing she was and is at peace 

haunting reminders of lost connections that run deep both near and far


Dr. Seuss Once Said:

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."


the wonders & delights of salt lake city...day 2~


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even on a holiday...i tend to go about my normal way...lucky for one as he can always sleep in and wake knowing coffee will be at hand...he has come to learn and accept this way of mine...and he does not budge when i slip out of bed and sneak out the door...i have always savored my early morning hours and this is one of those things that may never change...to grab my coffee and head out the door and witness the silence of a city slowly come to a wake...i have always loved the darkening hours

day two was filled with one love attending to business matters and leaving me to play...i watched the sunrise and pondered a bath...and well i could not resist soaking in such tub...i created the biggest bubble bath i ever have...so much so i almost overfilled the tub as i walked away to put away my camera...the thought of such made me laugh...but for me...knowing there would be absolutely no one knocking on my door...no littles calling my name...serenity was at hand...and this i had to embrace

i pondered knitting patterns while working on a scarf there in between...and after a good hour of deciphering...i decided if not now then probably never...so i reserved me a spot for the hotels grand high tea...i am learning to be alone...comfortably alone in places...despite the curious glances...i delightfully dined and marveled in the delectables placed before me and me...i too exchanged those same curious glances back at those who surrounded me

being quite shunned from public transportation growing up...sounds silly i know...me...i alone...have never hopped into a taxi and this was another thing i knew if i did not seize the moment i would have been wishing i had...i walked down stairs and out the front door...sat there watching the taxis come and go and then stood up and walked right over to one and into town i went...i walked the streets that even during lunch hour remained pretty still...salt lake is not a crowed busy place...most of the people walked about at a very calm cool pace...which made wandering alone a very comforting place to be

and after hours of touring i made my way back to the hotel...what a pleasing feeling to return to a place that has been all spiffed up...that is the one thing i love about staying in a hotel...i do not like making beds...and to return to your room that has magically been made up as if you were never there...love...love...love...and before too long...the sun was slowly sinking bringing the day to an end and one love returned from his business matters and together we enjoyed the peacefulness of the night


Albert Einstein Once Said:  


" The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." 


the wonders & delights of salt lake city...day 1~

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during the latter part of october we slipped away...i am coming to love october as a month of wandering about...this is the third year we have ventured out and traveled amidst the fall...and with each adventure...i am becoming captivated more and more by the season that is

day one filled us with many wonders and delights...from our hotel to the city itself...salt lake city embraces beauty and quietness all the same...a serenely peaceful place to stay


Henry Miller Once Said: 

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." 


taking time to look~

one wee little one: will you take a picture

he says this as he is holding the curtain open in our bedroom  

me: in a little bit, i just put my camera away

one wee little one: but mama, you really need to come and look and bring your camera

i walked into our bedroom...made my way over to our window and was enticed by what he saw

me: thank you buddy for wanting me to come and look, my camera i am getting and what fascinating pictures they will be

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Henry David Thoreau Once Said: 

"It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see." 

9 weeks...

nov 5 

yesterdays drive home from the hospital was surreal...dad and i looked out the windows noticing how the season is passing in a blink of an eye and the sky held a touch of a wintery smile...

as we drove along dad and i expressed to one another how elated yet exhausted we were and how we were filled with many emotions...i turned to him and said "what are we going to do with ourselves now?" and then we both laughed...no more daily appointments...drives to seattle...back and forth...rushing around every morning to make sure we get out of the house on time...NOTHING...we have nothing scheduled until the 12th...

9 weeks ago, we got into my car...quiet on both of our behalves...it was a long, slow drive...no music lingering in the background...a staleness in our conversation...we had seen every doctor and nurse possible...we had been told everything we needed to know and what he was to expect but the reality was...neither of us really new what was about to happen or the journey dad would be starting...we were filled with still an abundance of questions that we knew as the days went by...slowly those answers would sort themselves and all that remained foreign would eventually become just a way of life...and sure enough a way of life it did become...

9 weeks ago...dad walked through the doors of radiation and faced cancer in the face...his fight to beat head and neck cancer began...

throughout these 9 weeks...dad amazed me with his strength...endurance...courageand will...as tough as times were...he never gave in to weakness...he never gave in to cancer...he woke each morning...mentally just as strong as the day before...he carried with him the words...I CAN DO THIS...and THIS HE DID...with a great deal of humor and grace...

9 weeks have passed and i sit here in awe...a loss for words as i am trying to type this...trying to summarize what i wish to express...i have so many thoughts...so much i want to say...9 weeks ago...our lives changed...and as i sit here thinking, i know now we are to attempt to get back to a some what normal state of living...a normal that as the days go by will continue to change...

i shared with dad yesterday what a testament too many he was and is...how thankful and proud i am for him opening himself up during one of the most personal, intimate moments of his life and how by allowing us to share his journey openly helped so many including us as a family...and it allowed so many to help us and bring us a sense of peace and comfort and drive to keep each of us walking positively and strongly through the days with him...

within these 9 weeks...some scrutinized or criticized us for sharing dads journey publicly...and for these i am just as thankful...because with each passing comment or thought of another...it just reinforced the preciousness of life...life is not always pretty...life is not always what we wish it to be...life is life...good and bad...and in the end, if sharing dads journey helped or helps one day to touched even one single soul...well then... 



because reality is there is CANCER in our world...

CANCER IS REAL...CANCER IS WRETCHED...and at this moment...CANCER remains a daily battle each and every waking moment for someone in this world in which we live...so why would we hide it...disguise the ugliness and misguide others...why not share and possibly bring HOPE to another that no matter how horrible the day may feel...the sun will rise again in the morning and with that there will come a light that lifts all the misery...comfort in knowing that all they are experiencing, there is someone else out there that is or has been through a similar...that they are not alone...someone is and someone has walked the same line as them in some way, shape or form...

For 9 weeks we have carried HOPE in our pockets...now our HOPE changes to healing thoughts and wishes...HOPE that with each passing day, dad will continue to heal and recover from this wild ride he has had to endure...Hope in knowing when he revisits the ent dr. in december...dad will be told HE IS CURED...CANCER FREE...

9 weeks...YOU out there in this big wide world have been a beautiful part of dads journey and a blessing to us all as a family...there will never be adequate words to express how grateful we are for the love and support that has been given each day...it was within each of you, your words, comments and silent prayers that carried dad and our family through these last 9 weeks that have been...and for that we are forever thankful... 

13...thirty~two with many more weeks in between~

our seemingly endless summers days 

came quickly to a close


please pardon the lengthiness of such

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bracing ourselves for what was coming

hearing the news

a dr. coming through


missing the known

enduring on everyones behalf





believing in the final

hoping for a cure


 Gilda Radner Once Said:

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." 




warmth from the summers sun

brought forth a sense of autumn  

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remembering our littles


taking time


 a moment of space

a family as is


escaping our minds

warmth within the day

surrounded by picnics



yet settled


 Plato Once Said: 

"Life must be lived as play." 




the wait is over

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the time is now

a start

a beginning

anxiety flourishing

curiosity at ease

a first step for one father

his path unknown

strength from within

grasping onto what has been told

gripping faith

holding hope

believing the storm will pass 

rising above fear itself


 Someone Once Said: 

"The scariest moment is always before you start." 



september rolls in

the wheel begins to take its turn

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slowly sinking into a routine

everything we thought

no longer is

continually chaos


lack their of not even knowing

or attempting to understand

remembering there is a far greater plan

clutching the minutes

exhaustion setting in

rain is falling

clouds roll way

a new path unfolds


 Buddha Once Said: 

"No one can saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." 




the days are passing by with such a blurriness

yet a dragging slowness  

we all feel the pull

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pondering the thought of needing to be cloned

possibility of six more of me

one for a wife

one for a mother

one for a teacher

two for care giving  

one for a daughter

one for a friend

arms feel as if they are being pulled  a hundred different direction

seeking and searching

 stumbling upon an old wooden fence

space granted to breath

bestowing a sense of peace


 Sir Thomas Browne Once Said: 

 "We carry with us the wonders we seek without us."




trying times have begun

in our lives


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unfortunate events

cancers treatments kicking in

one father struggling with strength

longing for it to all be done

knowing when to walk away

leaving yet standing for one minute more

pondering the final hours of the day

the dance of living 

we are all learning

the balancing act

or caring for all

and remembering me

myself along the way


 Joseph Smith Once Said: 

"If you live up to your privileges, the angels can not be restrained from being your associates."



hitting the half way mark

hoping with everything in me

the rest is a down hill walk


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stumbling upon an old dear friend

an extra hand presented without even knowing i needed such

pondering the mysteries and magic of life

one sisters cancer treatment completed

a scan presented

fingers and toes crossed  

that her journey comes to a close

one father hits a half way mark

his health rose once more

the wheel has turned

storms came way

rains broke through

wisdom keeps dripping in


 Someone Once Said:

"Believe you can and your halfway there." 


sorry for the novel above

but for me

i feel complete once more


knowing today

she is in the hands of friends who care so much


wishing greatly

i could be with you my dearest friend and sister

as you begin this next step of healing


knowing though

you know that i love you so  

and care ever so deeply about you

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i wish you well in the coming days 

i wish and pray with all i have

that your cancer will go away


all that you have been through

and all you have left to endure


leaves you still smiling


showing your beautiful colors


an inspiration to each and all

you truly are


my love light and blessings

be with you this day and those that come forth






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today is the beginning of our fathers journey...he has had a few set backs with the rescheduling of his feeding tube and in the waiting of his treatment plan to be complete...but the time is now...for it has come...as the dawn of day has broke...this day marks the start of his fight against throat cancer

 as we spoke last night we all felt the same...we are excited as strange as it sounds

the anticipation

the waiting



the unknown will now start to unfold

i am ever so proud of my fathers courage and strength...his attitude has remained positive...carrying the thought of this

this is just a small stepping stone

he is holding true to the power of our mind...minute by minute this he is reckoning with...i believe in him...and will forever stand by his side...to you my dearest father...we shall celebrate in the end...you shall fight this battle with all by your side...and you shall win knowing you carry such strength inside


13...twenty~seven plus quite a bit more...

one month has passed on by

without my weekly writings of thirteen


the good ol' saying of

be careful what you wish for


hit me full swing

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this seemed to sum up what my days had been




i made a HUGE error in speaking

a disastrous careless wish

i wished for more travels to seattle

and well more travels were granted

i am becoming a professional hospitalite  

{hospitalite: one who makes frequent visits to hospitals} 

one month ago we were preparing for one sister to undergo surgery

one surgery came

one sisters cancer removed

a night nurse i became  

and the day nurse as well

peaceful was the resting

few were the hours to be  

recovering both her and i



Someone once said:

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us...They are those who win battles we know nothing about. "



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in the darkness she sits




unfortunate news was told

one father to endure even more procedures

alas presenting oh yes more trips to seattle

with undetermined time lines   

then a warm full moon rose

an illuminated sky sat above

luna shined ever so bright

luminous was the world in which we know

i snuck out back

me on my knees

in the dark of the night

in the quiet of all

and prayed to any and all who would listen to me



Jeremy Taylor once said: 

"Prayer is the peace of our spirit, the stillness of our thoughts, the evenness of recollection, the seat of meditation, the rest of our cares and the calm of our tempest."


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 we as a family have been an uphill journey

climbing one mountain after another

trudging along  

reminding our selves daily 






needing a reprieve

warmth blanketed the morning 

a family aboard

an adventure at hand

a bowl full of blackberries

and bounty of blueberries

space to move

air to breath

solitude in wandering

far enough away

yet close enough to feel each other

hanging onto the day


Someone once said: 

"Breath in joy and strength. Breath out wisdom and peace." 



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{captured as we were quickly driving by...hence the blurriness} 

funny how you miss things  

never knew this was here




needing a sprinkle from life's shower

fascinated by the brilliant mind of thee

art that lifts one spirit

and fills one soul

words of wisdom

lighting up the days that feel dark

another procedure endured for our father

confirmation of cancer is told

our hearts left bleeding

wondering how can it be

two in a family

at the exact same moment in time

how much more can be endured


Someone once said: 

"Strength is something you choose." 




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words can not express the spiraling effect of our days that have been







something has kept us going

being able to keep up the pace

forever thankful though it is happening at warp speed

plans have been laid

now we all attempting to prepare  

one sister hears more in the way of news

blessed by the grace of time

a gift of kindness

the magic of hands

and a gorgeous sunset to add



Hermann Hesse once said: 

"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure." 




summer has been here

but we have not


our days have taken captive over our time outdoors

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without much thought

i woke saturday

and said we need to go

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i needed out

i needed to be wrapped in the warmth of summers sun

i needed to breath the freshness the sweetness of air

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i needed to clear my mind

i needed to pretend just for a moment that there is nothing

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i needed to be surrounded by the beauty of life thriving 

i needed to be apart of nature in its flourishing moment

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heres to savoring one of summers day

M.J. Durkin once said: 

"Breathe in the fresh air of the freedom to create your own mood rather than the stale air of being a prisoner of circumstance."


holding him~

with just enough time to recover from one sisters surgery and the post op days that followed


we are crossing the bridge once more


this time with our father

this time with less certainty as to knowing what is fully going on  

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because of the kindness and care that overflowed and the magical powers of good intentions sent forth


one sister is recovering beautifully


and so it is i ask once more


think good thoughts


think good thoughts...that our father will undergo and awake from surgery with out any complications


think good thoughts...that our fathers right lymph node on his neck has remained small {after biopsies taken last week they were able to drain it...which they found a bit strange...but some what good as it does not so much present itself as a typical cancer}  if it has grown they will be removing it


think good thoughts...that the surgeon will remove the mass at he base of his neck without complications and that it comes back as non cancerous


think good thoughts...that the surgeons biopsies on the base of our fathers tongue comes back as non cancerous


think good thoughts...that our father will find comfort in the days ahead as he recovers and gets the answers he is looking for


please hold him in your thoughts this day


holding her~

we ask of you 

to hold my sister in your thoughts

as you go about your day

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think good thoughts of her surgeon...that he will skillfully remove each little bit of cancer that resides within her

think good thoughts...that those little monsters whom decided to set up home in her body will soon be at loss

think good thoughts of her...that she will undergo and awake from her surgery without any complications

think good thoughts...that she will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably as she is in for a stay

think good thoughts...that this will be the FIRST and LAST time she will ever know the wicked "little c" 


think good thoughts if you would please



Someone once said:

"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."



13...twenty six~

our days have been a continuous flow of


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too many thoughts

too many possibilities


all shall be left unknown

until its secret is ready to be revealed






quieting the minds of many

believing in my beliefs

one fathers procedure done

one sisters surgery coming forth

preparing for the coming week

attempting to balance the lives in my home 

summers heat sneaks in

 backyard camping

tangled fingers

bombs bursting

independence continually being sought 



Peter McWilliams once said:

"If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts." 


i do believe...we can not control life...life controls us...true we have the will and the choice to choose how we "want" or "think" we will go about our day to day...but life can strike at any given moment...changing your plan...changing your day...changing your life in an unexpected way...so there is no sense in battling the what ifs and whys...tis an answer you will never find. 


life moments...two~

...when you take your father to a VETERANS hospital and your littles come along...


as adults, we understand there is a certain level of respect given as you walk through the hallways of a Veterans Hospital...an unspoken understanding that regardless of the outer or inner appearances and emotions...each of these men and women have endured life in a way most of us would never even fathom




one wee little has to take a hundred trips to the bathroom...repeatedly...his brother and i would walk him down to the restroom and prop ourselves up against the wall across from where he resided...and inevitably as one wee littlest stood within those bathroom walls...someone would non nonchalantly walk up and knock on the door to see if the bathroom was vacant...and with each knock you would hear the voice of our little..






and each time he came out, i would explain to him that he needed to remember his manners and try to use a normal voice


and he replied


"but mama, they're old and i was afraid they could not hear me" 


true in many regards...most WERE among the elderly age


i understand but please try not to yell so loud 


"ok mama" 


now after a few hours passed

waiting for his poppi's surgery to be over

he says to me


"mama, i have to go to the bathroom" 




"i have to sit" 


sighing...i say let's go and his brother and i walked him back down to the bathroom


this time we decide to stand guard

both of us laughing as we each take a post and place ourselves on each side of the door

this time ensuring there will be no yelling from within the walls of the bathroom


a few minutes pass by and suddenly there is a LOUD sound


i hear the sheer panic in the voice of our littlest one


"maaaamaaa...what's happening" 


its ok...its just an alarm going off...no worries


and just a quickly as these words slipped from my mouth  

i see in the corner of my eye a shadow coming swiftly towards me

i turn to look and see a nurse standing there frantic


 "is everything ok" 


and as i stand there looking and hearing her words...it hits me... 

that alarm that is ringing ever so loudly throughout the floor...that alarm




oh my goodness...i am so sorry...he must of accidentally pushed the button


"mama what's happening"


"did you push a button" 




the nurse stood trying to explain through the door how to push the button off...but nothing was making any sense to that wee littlest one  


"mama...there is no button" 


the three of us stood there looking dumb founded at one another

and then it stops


she looks at me

 then turns and walks away


one wee older one and i can not help but laugh






"soooo, i was just sitting in here and well i was playing with this string on the wall...i was bored so i decided to tie it in knots" 


THE STRING...i forgot all about the string on the walls


"bored eh...buddy...you can not play in the bathroom" 


"mama...i wasn't playing...i was just tying knots and i did not know it would make a loud sound...i'm sorry" 


 "it's ok...just please next time...do not touch anything"


"ok..but then how do you expect me to go to the bathroom" 


shaking my head


"no buttons or strings" 


"ok mama...i'm sorry" 


fourteen years~

i am understanding the age

lifes grand game of tug of war

the gentle pulling away

the unwanted letting of go

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as much as i long to keep him safely tucked by my side...his wings are spreading day by day...flapping a little further from the nest we've created...boundaries being pushed...needs being extended a little farther by day

sigh...the years have passed on by far faster than i have wished











Once more, the page turns, another chapter has begun


happiest of happy birthdays to our wee oldest one


arriving just in time~

a dear friend  

one unique artist

whos work bestows peace

he reclaims the lost

bringing life back to the once was

upcycling pieces

forging by hand and heart 

he creates the most wonderful bits of art i have seen

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daily words 7

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words and a bowl small enough to hold in the palm of your hand

quieting your mind

easing your thoughts

refocusing away from the negative

bringing the positive back to light

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tiny sculpted leaves


Caroline Myss once said: 

 "The soul always knows how to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."


and with that being said

hence for needing and wanting of a little help in aiding the silence


Barry's shop

is back up and running

and i do hope you stumble over for a visit


and so it rained~

first comes love

then comes baby

the comes marriage and a life living together


far from traditional he and i

not some perfect story told


kind of a wild love affair


for us

it fits 


and i couldn't imagine it any other way


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nine years ago

the sun rose


making way for clear skies

easing the minds of all


there was much still to be done

as this was an outdoor affair 


it held tight till the moment my father said  

"it's time" 


as we walked down the stairs

the skies had turned gray

and the rain decided it was time to fall


we looked at each other and he said  

"should we call it off" 

i looked at him and said

"no dad, i am not going to melt" 


my brother came running up and scurrying about

"hang tight"

he said

"let me at~least find you an umbrella" 

in a flash he was gone a reappeared with a delicate pink floral umbrella


linked through our arms

one on each side

and an umbrella in hand

we began our long walk down to the isle where he had been waiting


on so it is  

we were married this day


nine years passing  

through winds and rain and thunderous storms

we have cleared the skies

washed away the debris

choosing to move forward each and every day


nine years passing

there has been love like no other 

there has been laughter and play

there has been memories created  

and moments that will forever remain

highlighting our day to day


nine years passing

ninety~nine more to come