to fall or stumble upon
januarys moments are a bit tantalizing
the freshness of air
the simplicity in being outdoors
balancing the contrasts of warmth and cold
the light of day lasting an hour longer
star filled skies
teasing delights of sunshine
a wave of unexpected sadness
comfort in knowing she was and is at peace
haunting reminders of lost connections that run deep both near and far
Dr. Seuss Once Said:
even on a holiday...i tend to go about my normal way...lucky for one as he can always sleep in and wake knowing coffee will be at hand...he has come to learn and accept this way of mine...and he does not budge when i slip out of bed and sneak out the door...i have always savored my early morning hours and this is one of those things that may never change...to grab my coffee and head out the door and witness the silence of a city slowly come to a wake...i have always loved the darkening hours
day two was filled with one love attending to business matters and leaving me to play...i watched the sunrise and pondered a bath...and well i could not resist soaking in such tub...i created the biggest bubble bath i ever have...so much so i almost overfilled the tub as i walked away to put away my camera...the thought of such made me laugh...but for me...knowing there would be absolutely no one knocking on my door...no littles calling my name...serenity was at hand...and this i had to embrace
i pondered knitting patterns while working on a scarf there in between...and after a good hour of deciphering...i decided if not now then probably never...so i reserved me a spot for the hotels grand high tea...i am learning to be alone...comfortably alone in places...despite the curious glances...i delightfully dined and marveled in the delectables placed before me and me...i too exchanged those same curious glances back at those who surrounded me
being quite shunned from public transportation growing up...sounds silly i know...me...i alone...have never hopped into a taxi and this was another thing i knew if i did not seize the moment i would have been wishing i had...i walked down stairs and out the front door...sat there watching the taxis come and go and then stood up and walked right over to one and into town i went...i walked the streets that even during lunch hour remained pretty still...salt lake is not a crowed busy place...most of the people walked about at a very calm cool pace...which made wandering alone a very comforting place to be
and after hours of touring i made my way back to the hotel...what a pleasing feeling to return to a place that has been all spiffed up...that is the one thing i love about staying in a hotel...i do not like making beds...and to return to your room that has magically been made up as if you were never there...love...love...love...and before too long...the sun was slowly sinking bringing the day to an end and one love returned from his business matters and together we enjoyed the peacefulness of the night
Albert Einstein Once Said:
during the latter part of october we slipped away...i am coming to love october as a month of wandering about...this is the third year we have ventured out and traveled amidst the fall...and with each adventure...i am becoming captivated more and more by the season that is
day one filled us with many wonders and delights...from our hotel to the city itself...salt lake city embraces beauty and quietness all the same...a serenely peaceful place to stay
Henry Miller Once Said:
one wee little one: will you take a picture
he says this as he is holding the curtain open in our bedroom
me: in a little bit, i just put my camera away
one wee little one: but mama, you really need to come and look and bring your camera
i walked into our bedroom...made my way over to our window and was enticed by what he saw
me: thank you buddy for wanting me to come and look, my camera i am getting and what fascinating pictures they will be
Henry David Thoreau Once Said:
nov 5
yesterdays drive home from the hospital was surreal...dad and i looked out the windows noticing how the season is passing in a blink of an eye and the sky held a touch of a wintery smile...
9 weeks ago, we got into my car...quiet on both of our behalves...it was a long, slow drive...no music lingering in the background...a staleness in our conversation...we had seen every doctor and nurse possible...we had been told everything we needed to know and what he was to expect but the reality was...neither of us really new what was about to happen or the journey dad would be starting...we were filled with still an abundance of questions that we knew as the days went by...slowly those answers would sort themselves and all that remained foreign would eventually become just a way of life...and sure enough a way of life it did become...
9 weeks ago...dad walked through the doors of radiation and faced cancer in the face...his fight to beat head and neck cancer began...
throughout these 9 weeks...dad amazed me with his strength...endurance...courageand will...as tough as times were...he never gave in to weakness...he never gave in to cancer...he woke each morning...mentally just as strong as the day before...he carried with him the words...I CAN DO THIS...and THIS HE DID...with a great deal of humor and grace...
9 weeks have passed and i sit here in awe...a loss for words as i am trying to type this...trying to summarize what i wish to express...i have so many thoughts...so much i want to say...9 weeks ago...our lives changed...and as i sit here thinking, i know now we are to attempt to get back to a some what normal state of living...a normal that as the days go by will continue to change...
i shared with dad yesterday what a testament too many he was and is...how thankful and proud i am for him opening himself up during one of the most personal, intimate moments of his life and how by allowing us to share his journey openly helped so many including us as a family...and it allowed so many to help us and bring us a sense of peace and comfort and drive to keep each of us walking positively and strongly through the days with him...
within these 9 weeks...some scrutinized or criticized us for sharing dads journey publicly...and for these i am just as thankful...because with each passing comment or thought of another...it just reinforced the preciousness of life...life is not always pretty...life is not always what we wish it to be...life is life...good and bad...and in the end, if sharing dads journey helped or helps one day to touched even one single soul...well then...
IT WAS ALL WORTH IT...
every.single.word.and.picture.shared.here.
because reality is there is CANCER in our world...
CANCER IS REAL...CANCER IS WRETCHED...and at this moment...CANCER remains a daily battle each and every waking moment for someone in this world in which we live...so why would we hide it...disguise the ugliness and misguide others...why not share and possibly bring HOPE to another that no matter how horrible the day may feel...the sun will rise again in the morning and with that there will come a light that lifts all the misery...comfort in knowing that all they are experiencing, there is someone else out there that is or has been through a similar...that they are not alone...someone is and someone has walked the same line as them in some way, shape or form...
For 9 weeks we have carried HOPE in our pockets...now our HOPE changes to healing thoughts and wishes...HOPE that with each passing day, dad will continue to heal and recover from this wild ride he has had to endure...Hope in knowing when he revisits the ent dr. in december...dad will be told HE IS CURED...CANCER FREE...
9 weeks...YOU out there in this big wide world have been a beautiful part of dads journey and a blessing to us all as a family...there will never be adequate words to express how grateful we are for the love and support that has been given each day...it was within each of you, your words, comments and silent prayers that carried dad and our family through these last 9 weeks that have been...and for that we are forever thankful...
our seemingly endless summers days
came quickly to a close
please pardon the lengthiness of such
preparing
bracing ourselves for what was coming
hearing the news
a dr. coming through
mistakes
missing the known
enduring on everyones behalf
change
accommodating
pain
sorrow
believing in the final
hoping for a cure
Gilda Radner Once Said:
warmth from the summers sun
brought forth a sense of autumn
remembering our littles
giving
taking time
togetherness
a moment of space
a family as is
playfulness
escaping our minds
warmth within the day
surrounded by picnics
rustling
stirring
yet settled
Plato Once Said:
the wait is over
the time is now
a start
a beginning
anxiety flourishing
curiosity at ease
a first step for one father
his path unknown
strength from within
grasping onto what has been told
gripping faith
holding hope
believing the storm will pass
rising above fear itself
Someone Once Said:
september rolls in
the wheel begins to take its turn
slowly sinking into a routine
everything we thought
no longer is
continually chaos
accepting
lack their of not even knowing
or attempting to understand
remembering there is a far greater plan
clutching the minutes
exhaustion setting in
rain is falling
clouds roll way
a new path unfolds
Buddha Once Said:
the days are passing by with such a blurriness
yet a dragging slowness
we all feel the pull
pondering the thought of needing to be cloned
possibility of six more of me
one for a wife
one for a mother
one for a teacher
two for care giving
one for a daughter
one for a friend
arms feel as if they are being pulled a hundred different direction
seeking and searching
stumbling upon an old wooden fence
space granted to breath
bestowing a sense of peace
Sir Thomas Browne Once Said:
trying times have begun
in our lives
unfortunate events
cancers treatments kicking in
one father struggling with strength
longing for it to all be done
knowing when to walk away
leaving yet standing for one minute more
pondering the final hours of the day
the dance of living
we are all learning
the balancing act
or caring for all
and remembering me
myself along the way
Joseph Smith Once Said:
hitting the half way mark
hoping with everything in me
the rest is a down hill walk
stumbling upon an old dear friend
an extra hand presented without even knowing i needed such
pondering the mysteries and magic of life
one sisters cancer treatment completed
a scan presented
fingers and toes crossed
that her journey comes to a close
one father hits a half way mark
his health rose once more
the wheel has turned
storms came way
rains broke through
wisdom keeps dripping in
Someone Once Said:
sorry for the novel above
but for me
i feel complete once more
knowing today
she is in the hands of friends who care so much
wishing greatly
i could be with you my dearest friend and sister
as you begin this next step of healing
knowing though
you know that i love you so
and care ever so deeply about you
i wish you well in the coming days
i wish and pray with all i have
that your cancer will go away
all that you have been through
and all you have left to endure
leaves you still smiling
and
showing your beautiful colors
an inspiration to each and all
you truly are
my love light and blessings
be with you this day and those that come forth
THE TIME HAS COME...
today is the beginning of our fathers journey...he has had a few set backs with the rescheduling of his feeding tube and in the waiting of his treatment plan to be complete...but the time is now...for it has come...as the dawn of day has broke...this day marks the start of his fight against throat cancer
as we spoke last night we all felt the same...we are excited as strange as it sounds
the anticipation
i am ever so proud of my fathers courage and strength...his attitude has remained positive...carrying the thought of this
he is holding true to the power of our mind...minute by minute this he is reckoning with...i believe in him...and will forever stand by his side...to you my dearest father...we shall celebrate in the end...you shall fight this battle with all by your side...and you shall win knowing you carry such strength inside
one month has passed on by
without my weekly writings of thirteen
the good ol' saying of
hit me full swing
this seemed to sum up what my days had been
i made a HUGE error in speaking
a disastrous careless wish
i wished for more travels to seattle
and well more travels were granted
i am becoming a professional hospitalite
{hospitalite: one who makes frequent visits to hospitals}
one month ago we were preparing for one sister to undergo surgery
one surgery came
one sisters cancer removed
a night nurse i became
and the day nurse as well
peaceful was the resting
few were the hours to be
recovering both her and i
Someone once said:
in the darkness she sits
unfortunate news was told
one father to endure even more procedures
alas presenting oh yes more trips to seattle
with undetermined time lines
then a warm full moon rose
an illuminated sky sat above
luna shined ever so bright
luminous was the world in which we know
i snuck out back
me on my knees
in the dark of the night
in the quiet of all
and prayed to any and all who would listen to me
Jeremy Taylor once said:
we as a family have been an uphill journey
climbing one mountain after another
trudging along
reminding our selves daily
waking
needing a reprieve
warmth blanketed the morning
a family aboard
an adventure at hand
a bowl full of blackberries
and bounty of blueberries
space to move
air to breath
solitude in wandering
far enough away
yet close enough to feel each other
hanging onto the day
Someone once said:
{captured as we were quickly driving by...hence the blurriness}
funny how you miss things
never knew this was here
needing a sprinkle from life's shower
fascinated by the brilliant mind of thee
art that lifts one spirit
and fills one soul
words of wisdom
lighting up the days that feel dark
another procedure endured for our father
confirmation of cancer is told
our hearts left bleeding
wondering how can it be
two in a family
at the exact same moment in time
how much more can be endured
Someone once said:
words can not express the spiraling effect of our days that have been
momentum
somehow
someway
something has kept us going
being able to keep up the pace
forever thankful though it is happening at warp speed
plans have been laid
now we all attempting to prepare
one sister hears more in the way of news
blessed by the grace of time
a gift of kindness
the magic of hands
and a gorgeous sunset to add
Hermann Hesse once said:
summer has been here
but we have not
our days have taken captive over our time outdoors
without much thought
i woke saturday
and said we need to go
i needed out
i needed to be wrapped in the warmth of summers sun
i needed to breath the freshness the sweetness of air
i needed to clear my mind
i needed to pretend just for a moment that there is nothing
i needed to be surrounded by the beauty of life thriving
i needed to be apart of nature in its flourishing moment
heres to savoring one of summers day
M.J. Durkin once said:
with just enough time to recover from one sisters surgery and the post op days that followed
this time with our father
this time with less certainty as to knowing what is fully going on
because of the kindness and care that overflowed and the magical powers of good intentions sent forth
one sister is recovering beautifully
and so it is i ask once more
think good thoughts...that our father will undergo and awake from surgery with out any complications
think good thoughts...that our fathers right lymph node on his neck has remained small {after biopsies taken last week they were able to drain it...which they found a bit strange...but some what good as it does not so much present itself as a typical cancer} if it has grown they will be removing it
think good thoughts...that the surgeon will remove the mass at he base of his neck without complications and that it comes back as non cancerous
think good thoughts...that the surgeons biopsies on the base of our fathers tongue comes back as non cancerous
think good thoughts...that our father will find comfort in the days ahead as he recovers and gets the answers he is looking for
we ask of you
to hold my sister in your thoughts
as you go about your day
think good thoughts of her surgeon...that he will skillfully remove each little bit of cancer that resides within her
think good thoughts...that those little monsters whom decided to set up home in her body will soon be at loss
think good thoughts of her...that she will undergo and awake from her surgery without any complications
think good thoughts...that she will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably as she is in for a stay
think good thoughts...that this will be the FIRST and LAST time she will ever know the wicked "little c"
Someone once said:
our days have been a continuous flow of
...sitting...waiting...sitting...waiting...
too many thoughts
too many possibilities
all shall be left unknown
until its secret is ready to be revealed
waking
accepting
quieting the minds of many
believing in my beliefs
one fathers procedure done
one sisters surgery coming forth
preparing for the coming week
attempting to balance the lives in my home
summers heat sneaks in
backyard camping
tangled fingers
bombs bursting
independence continually being sought
Peter McWilliams once said:
i do believe...we can not control life...life controls us...true we have the will and the choice to choose how we "want" or "think" we will go about our day to day...but life can strike at any given moment...changing your plan...changing your day...changing your life in an unexpected way...so there is no sense in battling the what ifs and whys...tis an answer you will never find.
...when you take your father to a VETERANS hospital and your littles come along...
as adults, we understand there is a certain level of respect given as you walk through the hallways of a Veterans Hospital...an unspoken understanding that regardless of the outer or inner appearances and emotions...each of these men and women have endured life in a way most of us would never even fathom
one wee little has to take a hundred trips to the bathroom...repeatedly...his brother and i would walk him down to the restroom and prop ourselves up against the wall across from where he resided...and inevitably as one wee littlest stood within those bathroom walls...someone would non nonchalantly walk up and knock on the door to see if the bathroom was vacant...and with each knock you would hear the voice of our little..
or
and each time he came out, i would explain to him that he needed to remember his manners and try to use a normal voice
and he replied
"but mama, they're old and i was afraid they could not hear me"
true in many regards...most WERE among the elderly age
i understand but please try not to yell so loud
"ok mama"
now after a few hours passed
waiting for his poppi's surgery to be over
he says to me
"mama, i have to go to the bathroom"
"again"
"i have to sit"
sighing...i say let's go and his brother and i walked him back down to the bathroom
this time we decide to stand guard
both of us laughing as we each take a post and place ourselves on each side of the door
this time ensuring there will be no yelling from within the walls of the bathroom
a few minutes pass by and suddenly there is a LOUD sound
i hear the sheer panic in the voice of our littlest one
"maaaamaaa...what's happening"
its ok...its just an alarm going off...no worries
and just a quickly as these words slipped from my mouth
i see in the corner of my eye a shadow coming swiftly towards me
i turn to look and see a nurse standing there frantic
"is everything ok"
and as i stand there looking and hearing her words...it hits me...
that alarm that is ringing ever so loudly throughout the floor...that alarm
oh my goodness...i am so sorry...he must of accidentally pushed the button
"mama what's happening"
"did you push a button"
"no"
the nurse stood trying to explain through the door how to push the button off...but nothing was making any sense to that wee littlest one
"mama...there is no button"
the three of us stood there looking dumb founded at one another
and then it stops
she looks at me
then turns and walks away
one wee older one and i can not help but laugh
"mama"
"yes"
"soooo, i was just sitting in here and well i was playing with this string on the wall...i was bored so i decided to tie it in knots"
THE STRING...i forgot all about the string on the walls
"bored eh...buddy...you can not play in the bathroom"
"mama...i wasn't playing...i was just tying knots and i did not know it would make a loud sound...i'm sorry"
"it's ok...just please next time...do not touch anything"
"ok..but then how do you expect me to go to the bathroom"
shaking my head
"no buttons or strings"
"ok mama...i'm sorry"
i am understanding the age
lifes grand game of tug of war
the gentle pulling away
the unwanted letting of go
as much as i long to keep him safely tucked by my side...his wings are spreading day by day...flapping a little further from the nest we've created...boundaries being pushed...needs being extended a little farther by day
sigh...the years have passed on by far faster than i have wished
Once more, the page turns, another chapter has begun
happiest of happy birthdays to our wee oldest one
one unique artist
whos work bestows peace
he reclaims the lost
bringing life back to the once was
upcycling pieces
forging by hand and heart
he creates the most wonderful bits of art i have seen
daily words 7
words and a bowl small enough to hold in the palm of your hand
quieting your mind
easing your thoughts
refocusing away from the negative
bringing the positive back to light
sometimes
just sometimes
its finding and receiving comfort
in the littlest of things
to the person who thoughtlessly spit out their gum
your careless act
strangely enough
brought forth a sense of peace
during a time when needed most
Joan Borysanko once said:
first comes love
then comes baby
the comes marriage and a life living together
far from traditional he and i
not some perfect story told
kind of a wild love affair
for us
it fits
and i couldn't imagine it any other way
nine years ago
the sun rose
making way for clear skies
easing the minds of all
there was much still to be done
as this was an outdoor affair
it held tight till the moment my father said
as we walked down the stairs
the skies had turned gray
and the rain decided it was time to fall
we looked at each other and he said
i looked at him and said
my brother came running up and scurrying about
he said
in a flash he was gone a reappeared with a delicate pink floral umbrella
linked through our arms
one on each side
and an umbrella in hand
we began our long walk down to the isle where he had been waiting
on so it is
nine years passing
through winds and rain and thunderous storms
we have cleared the skies
washed away the debris
choosing to move forward each and every day
nine years passing
there has been love like no other
there has been laughter and play
there has been memories created
and moments that will forever remain
highlighting our day to day
nine years passing
ninety~nine more to come
