clearing the fog~

my shadowy fog

that lingered for so long

is disappearing 

life is feeling lighter

the weight of the world no longer sitting on my shoulders

i am dancing through my days slowly

swaying to and from

there are no swift steps to stumble upon

just rocking to and from

breathing ever so deeply

and enjoying every moment of such

doing nothing...absolutely nothing

ok...that's a lie...there is always much to do but once more we are falling into our own rhythm...not sure how many more times i can type such but this time it feels good...it feels right...it feels like it is going to last

Maya Angelo Once Said:

"Everything in the Universe has a rhythm, Everything dances."

9...5 & 6~

as february arose 

so too came another gentle tease from old man winter

dropping bits of love for us to discover

9...5

our calmness abruptly changed

feeling as if life was tapping on our shoulders 

reminding us that at any given moment everything can change

one father back in the hospital

minds constantly changing

 harboring the uneasiness of choices

the universe unfolding its plans

{though i have come to realize...they are ones in which i will never understand}

the dust settled

and snow began to fall

Max Ehrmann Once Said:

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.  And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the Universe is unfolding as it should."

the waiting is over

there is something EXTRAORDINARY that lies within my father

he has faced many of challenges and yet conquered on when most would have gave in 

 i honor him greatly

9...6

the waiting is over

a final word was given

one fathers treatment is that of a CURATIVE one

peace of mind for all

a sense of movement has begun

an accomplishment he will forever carry

TRIUMPH

attempting to settle once more

feeling the weight has been lifted

Thomas Paine Once Said:

"The harder the conflict, The more glorious the triumph. What we obtain to cheap, We esteem to lightly; It is dearness only that gives everything it's value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, That can gather strength from distress and grow."

forgotten silence~

there is a forgotten silence filling our home

a quietness that became a faint memory in the back of my mind

we are feeling all a little out of sorts

slowly gathering our lives

and sorting them back out

i think we all became accustom to the way in which we were living

not so much because we wanted to 

but more so because we needed to

i am no longer marked by a calender of time

a movement that had me not thinking 

just actively doing

being driven by a force of what had to be done

yesterday was that of mostly sitting

with small doses of stirring about

reflecting upon what we overcame

and wondering now where my life will lead

sitting here this morning relishing in my thought 

"time is in the palm of my hands"

and pondering

what i shall do

of happy endings~

as with life...when one door closes...it allows for another to open

for six and a half months...i have been reminding my mom that there

WILL

come a day when dad wakes and says

I WANT TO GO HOME

yesterday that day arrived

i am not writing to say that his journey with cancer is complete...it is a far cry from being over...he still will have years ahead of him of being watched and rechecked...but...yesterday marked a surreal turning point

he has come full circle

he has endured an excruciating treatment along side the many of unpredictable challenges that arose throughout the months that were...and as of late... his time has been spent healing...and healing he is doing in the most remarkable of ways

a bittersweet day this will be

though we all are yearning deep within

to go back to our normal ways of living

there has been a silence of comfort that has lingered

all of us together...depending upon...relying upon...a needing of sorts

it has not been because of  

ONE but of ALL

including each of you

together we carried each other along

i am filled with the deepest of gratitude

one that has overwhelmingly filled me with tears

 tears in knowing

my father is here

he fought one of the hardest battles a man can fight

one in which some do not walk away

but for him

he is walking this day

and i know will be for a long time to come

Mathew E. Fryer Once Said:

"With every road block a detour is built. With every ending a new beginning is defined. Embracing a challenge makes life interesting but overcoming it makes life meaningful."

9...3~

it has been few and far between that i have walked away from a week feeling completely at ease

JUBILANT

feeling or expressing great happiness and triumph

9...3

walking away from many moments feeling jubilant

one father marks a turning point in recovering

our lives slowly beginning to return to their rhythms of once was

a mailbox being filled with letters from afar

silent pick me ups laced with love

time with pen in hand

art through that of different eyes 

rain subsides

simmering in the goodness of life

Rumi Once Said:

"Let  yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray."

sometimes just sometimes~

dec 14 2013

Because sometimes just sometimes the simple route is just not that easy to attain

Yesterday dad met with a GI dr to re~discuss the possibility of a feeding tube...he has been on tpn for almost two months and they would like to get him off of it as soon as possible...he has been struggling to drink ~ eat anything orally which long story short has left his body depleted of many vital minerals and vitamins that are needed to produce red blood cells and to plainly keep you feeling well

as of yesterday his hematocrit level was borderline for him needing a blood transfusion 

So as you probably have guessed by now...yep...last night we headed back up...he is back to his favorite spa for a little nourishment...they started his blood transfusion a little while ago...he is extremely exhausted but hopefully as the day goes on he will perk up...

as I type dad is receiving his second blood transfusion as his blood counts are still low...he and his body responded very well to the first unit and he spent the day sleeping pretty well

as mom and I left...we saw a man coming down the hallway carrying a box with "human blood" written on it...I looked at him and said " I think you are carrying just what we were waiting for...thank you." The man just looked at me and continued down the hallway...as we walked outside there his car was parked..."the puget sound blood bank"...silently I said thank you

And now i sit here at home somber just as i have been all day

Blood...this is something I have never put much thought into...I have witnessed more than two handfuls of lives being brought into this world and two lives being taken...I have cleaned and mended many of wounds...i have seen and had plenty of blood being drawn but never have I seen or watched blood being given

Yesterday and today was not that of fear or sadness but of knowing and being accepting that this day may come...knowing and witnessing a life being sustained...a day where I sat there blankly most of the time crocheting time away...a day where random thoughts kept coming and going and pondering this thing called blood

O+ who ever you are...I thank you...me I have never donated a drop...I have many of excuses but when it comes down to it...none will ever be valid enough...not now or in the future for me...today watching my father as he was receiving blood was a surreal moment that immediately changed how I feel...such a simple small thing to do that each day makes all the difference in this world.

9 weeks...

nov 5 

yesterdays drive home from the hospital was surreal...dad and i looked out the windows noticing how the season is passing in a blink of an eye and the sky held a touch of a wintery smile...

as we drove along dad and i expressed to one another how elated yet exhausted we were and how we were filled with many emotions...i turned to him and said "what are we going to do with ourselves now?" and then we both laughed...no more daily appointments...drives to seattle...back and forth...rushing around every morning to make sure we get out of the house on time...NOTHING...we have nothing scheduled until the 12th...

9 weeks ago, we got into my car...quiet on both of our behalves...it was a long, slow drive...no music lingering in the background...a staleness in our conversation...we had seen every doctor and nurse possible...we had been told everything we needed to know and what he was to expect but the reality was...neither of us really new what was about to happen or the journey dad would be starting...we were filled with still an abundance of questions that we knew as the days went by...slowly those answers would sort themselves and all that remained foreign would eventually become just a way of life...and sure enough a way of life it did become...

9 weeks ago...dad walked through the doors of radiation and faced cancer in the face...his fight to beat head and neck cancer began...

throughout these 9 weeks...dad amazed me with his strength...endurance...courageand will...as tough as times were...he never gave in to weakness...he never gave in to cancer...he woke each morning...mentally just as strong as the day before...he carried with him the words...I CAN DO THIS...and THIS HE DID...with a great deal of humor and grace...

9 weeks have passed and i sit here in awe...a loss for words as i am trying to type this...trying to summarize what i wish to express...i have so many thoughts...so much i want to say...9 weeks ago...our lives changed...and as i sit here thinking, i know now we are to attempt to get back to a some what normal state of living...a normal that as the days go by will continue to change...

i shared with dad yesterday what a testament too many he was and is...how thankful and proud i am for him opening himself up during one of the most personal, intimate moments of his life and how by allowing us to share his journey openly helped so many including us as a family...and it allowed so many to help us and bring us a sense of peace and comfort and drive to keep each of us walking positively and strongly through the days with him...

within these 9 weeks...some scrutinized or criticized us for sharing dads journey publicly...and for these i am just as thankful...because with each passing comment or thought of another...it just reinforced the preciousness of life...life is not always pretty...life is not always what we wish it to be...life is life...good and bad...and in the end, if sharing dads journey helped or helps one day to touched even one single soul...well then... 

IT WAS ALL WORTH IT...

every.single.word.and.picture.shared.here.

because reality is there is CANCER in our world...

CANCER IS REAL...CANCER IS WRETCHED...and at this moment...CANCER remains a daily battle each and every waking moment for someone in this world in which we live...so why would we hide it...disguise the ugliness and misguide others...why not share and possibly bring HOPE to another that no matter how horrible the day may feel...the sun will rise again in the morning and with that there will come a light that lifts all the misery...comfort in knowing that all they are experiencing, there is someone else out there that is or has been through a similar...that they are not alone...someone is and someone has walked the same line as them in some way, shape or form...

For 9 weeks we have carried HOPE in our pockets...now our HOPE changes to healing thoughts and wishes...HOPE that with each passing day, dad will continue to heal and recover from this wild ride he has had to endure...Hope in knowing when he revisits the ent dr. in december...dad will be told HE IS CURED...CANCER FREE...

9 weeks...YOU out there in this big wide world have been a beautiful part of dads journey and a blessing to us all as a family...there will never be adequate words to express how grateful we are for the love and support that has been given each day...it was within each of you, your words, comments and silent prayers that carried dad and our family through these last 9 weeks that have been...and for that we are forever thankful... 

13...thirty~two with many more weeks in between~

our seemingly endless summers days 

came quickly to a close

please pardon the lengthiness of such

13...THIRTY~TWO

preparing

bracing ourselves for what was coming

hearing the news

a dr. coming through

mistakes

missing the known

enduring on everyones behalf

change

accommodating

pain

sorrow

believing in the final

hoping for a cure

 Gilda Radner Once Said:

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." 

warmth from the summers sun

brought forth a sense of autumn  

13...THIRTY~THREE

remembering our littles

giving

taking time

togetherness

 a moment of space

a family as is

playfulness

escaping our minds

warmth within the day

surrounded by picnics

rustling

stirring

yet settled

 Plato Once Said: 

"Life must be lived as play." 

the wait is over

13...THIRTY~FOUR

the time is now

a start

a beginning

anxiety flourishing

curiosity at ease

a first step for one father

his path unknown

strength from within

grasping onto what has been told

gripping faith

holding hope

believing the storm will pass 

rising above fear itself

 Someone Once Said: 

"The scariest moment is always before you start." 

september rolls in

the wheel begins to take its turn

13...THIRTY~FIVE

slowly sinking into a routine

everything we thought

no longer is

continually chaos

accepting

lack their of not even knowing

or attempting to understand

remembering there is a far greater plan

clutching the minutes

exhaustion setting in

rain is falling

clouds roll way

a new path unfolds

 Buddha Once Said: 

"No one can saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." 

the days are passing by with such a blurriness

yet a dragging slowness  

we all feel the pull

13...THIRTY~SIX

pondering the thought of needing to be cloned

possibility of six more of me

one for a wife

one for a mother

one for a teacher

two for care giving  

one for a daughter

one for a friend

arms feel as if they are being pulled  a hundred different direction

seeking and searching

 stumbling upon an old wooden fence

space granted to breath

bestowing a sense of peace

 Sir Thomas Browne Once Said: 

 "We carry with us the wonders we seek without us."

trying times have begun

in our lives

13...THIRTY~SEVEN

unfortunate events

cancers treatments kicking in

one father struggling with strength

longing for it to all be done

knowing when to walk away

leaving yet standing for one minute more

pondering the final hours of the day

the dance of living 

we are all learning

the balancing act

or caring for all

and remembering me

myself along the way

 Joseph Smith Once Said: 

"If you live up to your privileges, the angels can not be restrained from being your associates."

hitting the half way mark

hoping with everything in me

the rest is a down hill walk

13...THIRTY~EIGHT

stumbling upon an old dear friend

an extra hand presented without even knowing i needed such

pondering the mysteries and magic of life

one sisters cancer treatment completed

a scan presented

fingers and toes crossed  

that her journey comes to a close

one father hits a half way mark

his health rose once more

the wheel has turned

storms came way

rains broke through

wisdom keeps dripping in

 Someone Once Said:

"Believe you can and your halfway there." 

sorry for the novel above

but for me

i feel complete once more

knowing~

knowing today

she is in the hands of friends who care so much

wishing greatly

i could be with you my dearest friend and sister

as you begin this next step of healing

knowing though

you know that i love you so  

and care ever so deeply about you

i wish you well in the coming days 

i wish and pray with all i have

that your cancer will go away

all that you have been through

and all you have left to endure

leaves you still smiling

and

showing your beautiful colors

an inspiration to each and all

you truly are

my love light and blessings

be with you this day and those that come forth

hope~

THE TIME HAS COME...

today is the beginning of our fathers journey...he has had a few set backs with the rescheduling of his feeding tube and in the waiting of his treatment plan to be complete...but the time is now...for it has come...as the dawn of day has broke...this day marks the start of his fight against throat cancer

 as we spoke last night we all felt the same...we are excited as strange as it sounds

the anticipation

the waiting

is

over

the unknown will now start to unfold

i am ever so proud of my fathers courage and strength...his attitude has remained positive...carrying the thought of this

this is just a small stepping stone

he is holding true to the power of our mind...minute by minute this he is reckoning with...i believe in him...and will forever stand by his side...to you my dearest father...we shall celebrate in the end...you shall fight this battle with all by your side...and you shall win knowing you carry such strength inside

a wishful kind of day~

a thousands wishes

i have been wishing for

a thousand wishes

i will continue to hope for

but on this day  

i wish a wish just for her

a wish for good health be hers this day

a wish for strength as she endures another surgery

a wish for a painless recovery

a wish she will be able to quickly move on from this stage

a wish for the start of the next part of her journey

a wish that one day so very soon this will all be just a thing of the past

13...twenty~seven plus quite a bit more...

one month has passed on by

without my weekly writings of thirteen

the good ol' saying of

be careful what you wish for

hit me full swing

this seemed to sum up what my days had been

13...twenty~seven

i made a HUGE error in speaking

a disastrous careless wish

i wished for more travels to seattle

and well more travels were granted

i am becoming a professional hospitalite  

{hospitalite: one who makes frequent visits to hospitals} 

one month ago we were preparing for one sister to undergo surgery

one surgery came

one sisters cancer removed

a night nurse i became  

and the day nurse as well

peaceful was the resting

few were the hours to be  

recovering both her and i

Someone once said:

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us...They are those who win battles we know nothing about. "

in the darkness she sits

13...twenty~eight

unfortunate news was told

one father to endure even more procedures

alas presenting oh yes more trips to seattle

with undetermined time lines   

then a warm full moon rose

an illuminated sky sat above

luna shined ever so bright

luminous was the world in which we know

i snuck out back

me on my knees

in the dark of the night

in the quiet of all

and prayed to any and all who would listen to me

Jeremy Taylor once said: 

"Prayer is the peace of our spirit, the stillness of our thoughts, the evenness of recollection, the seat of meditation, the rest of our cares and the calm of our tempest."

 we as a family have been an uphill journey

climbing one mountain after another

trudging along  

reminding our selves daily 

...one.day.at.a.time... 

13...twenty~nine

waking

needing a reprieve

warmth blanketed the morning 

a family aboard

an adventure at hand

a bowl full of blackberries

and bounty of blueberries

space to move

air to breath

solitude in wandering

far enough away

yet close enough to feel each other

hanging onto the day

Someone once said: 

"Breath in joy and strength. Breath out wisdom and peace." 

LIFE'S SHOWER

{captured as we were quickly driving by...hence the blurriness} 

funny how you miss things  

never knew this was here

13...thirty

needing a sprinkle from life's shower

fascinated by the brilliant mind of thee

art that lifts one spirit

and fills one soul

words of wisdom

lighting up the days that feel dark

another procedure endured for our father

confirmation of cancer is told

our hearts left bleeding

wondering how can it be

two in a family

at the exact same moment in time

how much more can be endured

Someone once said: 

"Strength is something you choose." 

words can not express the spiraling effect of our days that have been

13...thirty~one

 momentum

somehow

someway

something has kept us going

being able to keep up the pace

forever thankful though it is happening at warp speed

plans have been laid

now we all attempting to prepare  

one sister hears more in the way of news

blessed by the grace of time

a gift of kindness

the magic of hands

and a gorgeous sunset to add

Hermann Hesse once said: 

"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure." 

holding him~

with just enough time to recover from one sisters surgery and the post op days that followed

we are crossing the bridge once more

this time with our father

this time with less certainty as to knowing what is fully going on  

because of the kindness and care that overflowed and the magical powers of good intentions sent forth

one sister is recovering beautifully

and so it is i ask once more

think good thoughts

think good thoughts...that our father will undergo and awake from surgery with out any complications

think good thoughts...that our fathers right lymph node on his neck has remained small {after biopsies taken last week they were able to drain it...which they found a bit strange...but some what good as it does not so much present itself as a typical cancer}  if it has grown they will be removing it

think good thoughts...that the surgeon will remove the mass at he base of his neck without complications and that it comes back as non cancerous

think good thoughts...that the surgeons biopsies on the base of our fathers tongue comes back as non cancerous

think good thoughts...that our father will find comfort in the days ahead as he recovers and gets the answers he is looking for

please hold him in your thoughts this day

holding her~

we ask of you 

to hold my sister in your thoughts

as you go about your day

think good thoughts of her surgeon...that he will skillfully remove each little bit of cancer that resides within her

think good thoughts...that those little monsters whom decided to set up home in her body will soon be at loss

think good thoughts of her...that she will undergo and awake from her surgery without any complications

think good thoughts...that she will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably as she is in for a stay

think good thoughts...that this will be the FIRST and LAST time she will ever know the wicked "little c" 

think good thoughts if you would please

Someone once said:

"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

13...twenty three and many more~

tumultuous:

Making a loud, confused noise; uproarious:

Excited, confused, or disorderly

TUMULTUOUS

 

clearly.sums.up.our.days.of.June

 

13...twenty~three

one fathers birthday celebrated

our anniversary came once more

a holiday together away

two troublesome phone calls

one sisters life takes an unexpected turn

one fathers life joins her possible path

savoring time

yet feeling lost within the minutes passing by

numb

pushing through

letting go

putting lifes troubles in the hands of the universe

hanging onto hope

Someone once said: 

 "So don't worry about tomorrow, For tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today."

13...twenty~four

a multitude of doctors appointment

another dental disaster

biopsies for one

more testing for thee other

optimism

melt down

flurry of falling outs

comfort in the words of a sister so so far away

time ticking

exhaustion setting

running away

stumbling upon long lost hidden treasures

riding the waves of life

Someone once said:

"I may not be the strongest, I may not be the fastest, but i'll be damned if i am not trying my hardest." 

13...twenty~five

appointments keep coming

hearing haunting news

confirmation of cancer for one

yet more tests to be ran for another

sinking

yet trying to swim back to the top

encouragement

support

clearing the way through the blur of my days

sickness swirling

rainy days keep coming

mugginess that leads to an unpleasant stickiness

down on my knees

Victor Hugo once said:

"Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, Whatever be the attitude of the body, The soul is on its knees."