hope~

THE TIME HAS COME...

 

P1140460 edit 3.png

today is the beginning of our fathers journey...he has had a few set backs with the rescheduling of his feeding tube and in the waiting of his treatment plan to be complete...but the time is now...for it has come...as the dawn of day has broke...this day marks the start of his fight against throat cancer

 as we spoke last night we all felt the same...we are excited as strange as it sounds

the anticipation

the waiting

is

over

the unknown will now start to unfold

i am ever so proud of my fathers courage and strength...his attitude has remained positive...carrying the thought of this

this is just a small stepping stone

he is holding true to the power of our mind...minute by minute this he is reckoning with...i believe in him...and will forever stand by his side...to you my dearest father...we shall celebrate in the end...you shall fight this battle with all by your side...and you shall win knowing you carry such strength inside

 

sweet saturday~

because sometimes

just sometimes  

 

saturday mornings call for something special

_DSC5952 edit 2.jpg

piping hot

crunchy yet gooey

buttery jellied goodness

is just what we need

_DSC5931 edit 1.jpg

prior to starting

one must ensure

that one has a special

"popover" tin

 

preheat oven 425 degrees

_DSC5909 edit 1.jpg

1 cup sifted all purpose flour

_DSC5914 edit 1.jpg

1/2 teaspoon salt

{i use kosher} 

_DSC5915 edit 1.jpg

2 eggs

_DSC5922 edit 1.jpg

1 cup milk

_DSC5923 edit 1.jpg

once all ingredients are added 

whisk together

_DSC5925 edit 1.jpg

until batter is smooth

_DSC5935 edit 1.jpg

1/4 teaspoon oil to each cup

_DSC5942 edit 1.jpg

add batter to tin

filling about 1/2 way full

_DSC5946 edit 1.jpg

bake 35-40 mins

 or until golden brown

_DSC5950 edit 1.jpg

remove from ove

slide popevers out

 

tip upside down

{there will be a hole in the bottoms of each}

fill with whatever you like

 

ours are filled plum full

of

butter and jelly

 

a wishful kind of day~

a thousands wishes

i have been wishing for

a thousand wishes

i will continue to hope for

but on this day  

i wish a wish just for her

_DSC6138 edit 3.jpg

a wish for good health be hers this day

a wish for strength as she endures another surgery

a wish for a painless recovery

a wish she will be able to quickly move on from this stage

a wish for the start of the next part of her journey

a wish that one day so very soon this will all be just a thing of the past

 

13...twenty~seven plus quite a bit more...

one month has passed on by

without my weekly writings of thirteen

 

the good ol' saying of

be careful what you wish for

 

hit me full swing

P1290399 edit 1.jpg

this seemed to sum up what my days had been

 

13...twenty~seven

 

i made a HUGE error in speaking

a disastrous careless wish

i wished for more travels to seattle

and well more travels were granted

i am becoming a professional hospitalite  

{hospitalite: one who makes frequent visits to hospitals} 

one month ago we were preparing for one sister to undergo surgery

one surgery came

one sisters cancer removed

a night nurse i became  

and the day nurse as well

peaceful was the resting

few were the hours to be  

recovering both her and i

 

 

Someone once said:

"The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us...They are those who win battles we know nothing about. "

 

 

P1290466 edit 1.jpg

in the darkness she sits

 

13...twenty~eight

 

unfortunate news was told

one father to endure even more procedures

alas presenting oh yes more trips to seattle

with undetermined time lines   

then a warm full moon rose

an illuminated sky sat above

luna shined ever so bright

luminous was the world in which we know

i snuck out back

me on my knees

in the dark of the night

in the quiet of all

and prayed to any and all who would listen to me

 

 

Jeremy Taylor once said: 

"Prayer is the peace of our spirit, the stillness of our thoughts, the evenness of recollection, the seat of meditation, the rest of our cares and the calm of our tempest."


 

_DSC4911 edit 2.jpg

 we as a family have been an uphill journey

climbing one mountain after another

trudging along  

reminding our selves daily 

...one.day.at.a.time... 

 

13...twenty~nine

 

waking

needing a reprieve

warmth blanketed the morning 

a family aboard

an adventure at hand

a bowl full of blackberries

and bounty of blueberries

space to move

air to breath

solitude in wandering

far enough away

yet close enough to feel each other

hanging onto the day

 

Someone once said: 

"Breath in joy and strength. Breath out wisdom and peace." 

 

 

iphone pics 107 edit 1.jpg

LIFE'S SHOWER

{captured as we were quickly driving by...hence the blurriness} 

funny how you miss things  

never knew this was here

 

13...thirty

 

needing a sprinkle from life's shower

fascinated by the brilliant mind of thee

art that lifts one spirit

and fills one soul

words of wisdom

lighting up the days that feel dark

another procedure endured for our father

confirmation of cancer is told

our hearts left bleeding

wondering how can it be

two in a family

at the exact same moment in time

how much more can be endured

 

Someone once said: 

"Strength is something you choose." 

 

 

 

photo (3) edit 2.jpg

words can not express the spiraling effect of our days that have been

 

13...thirty~one

 

 momentum

somehow

someway

something has kept us going

being able to keep up the pace

forever thankful though it is happening at warp speed

plans have been laid

now we all attempting to prepare  

one sister hears more in the way of news

blessed by the grace of time

a gift of kindness

the magic of hands

and a gorgeous sunset to add

 

 

Hermann Hesse once said: 

"Oh, love isn't there to make us happy. I believe it exists to show us how much we can endure." 

 

 

de~compressings~

summer has been here

but we have not

 

our days have taken captive over our time outdoors

_DSC4839 edit 1.jpg

without much thought

i woke saturday

and said we need to go

_DSC4846 edit 1.jpg

i needed out

i needed to be wrapped in the warmth of summers sun

i needed to breath the freshness the sweetness of air

_DSC4850 edit 1.jpg

i needed to clear my mind

i needed to pretend just for a moment that there is nothing

_DSC4860 edit 1.jpg

i needed to be surrounded by the beauty of life thriving 

i needed to be apart of nature in its flourishing moment

_DSC4871 edit 1.jpg

heres to savoring one of summers day


M.J. Durkin once said: 

"Breathe in the fresh air of the freedom to create your own mood rather than the stale air of being a prisoner of circumstance."

 

holding him~

with just enough time to recover from one sisters surgery and the post op days that followed

 

we are crossing the bridge once more

 

this time with our father

this time with less certainty as to knowing what is fully going on  

P1030577 edit 2.jpg

because of the kindness and care that overflowed and the magical powers of good intentions sent forth

 

one sister is recovering beautifully

 

and so it is i ask once more

 

think good thoughts

 

think good thoughts...that our father will undergo and awake from surgery with out any complications

 

think good thoughts...that our fathers right lymph node on his neck has remained small {after biopsies taken last week they were able to drain it...which they found a bit strange...but some what good as it does not so much present itself as a typical cancer}  if it has grown they will be removing it

 

think good thoughts...that the surgeon will remove the mass at he base of his neck without complications and that it comes back as non cancerous

 

think good thoughts...that the surgeons biopsies on the base of our fathers tongue comes back as non cancerous

 

think good thoughts...that our father will find comfort in the days ahead as he recovers and gets the answers he is looking for

 

please hold him in your thoughts this day

 

holding her~

we ask of you 

to hold my sister in your thoughts

as you go about your day

P1020722 edit 1a.jpg

think good thoughts of her surgeon...that he will skillfully remove each little bit of cancer that resides within her

think good thoughts...that those little monsters whom decided to set up home in her body will soon be at loss

think good thoughts of her...that she will undergo and awake from her surgery without any complications

think good thoughts...that she will be able to rest peacefully and comfortably as she is in for a stay

think good thoughts...that this will be the FIRST and LAST time she will ever know the wicked "little c" 

 

think good thoughts if you would please

 

 

Someone once said:

"Peace...it does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work...it means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

 

 

13...twenty six~

our days have been a continuous flow of

...sitting...waiting...sitting...waiting...

P1280554 edit 2.jpg

too many thoughts

too many possibilities

 

all shall be left unknown

until its secret is ready to be revealed

 

13

 

waking 

accepting 

quieting the minds of many

believing in my beliefs

one fathers procedure done

one sisters surgery coming forth

preparing for the coming week

attempting to balance the lives in my home 

summers heat sneaks in

 backyard camping

tangled fingers

bombs bursting

independence continually being sought 

 

 

Peter McWilliams once said:

"If you want peace of mind, stop fighting with your thoughts." 

 

i do believe...we can not control life...life controls us...true we have the will and the choice to choose how we "want" or "think" we will go about our day to day...but life can strike at any given moment...changing your plan...changing your day...changing your life in an unexpected way...so there is no sense in battling the what ifs and whys...tis an answer you will never find. 

 

life moments...two~

...when you take your father to a VETERANS hospital and your littles come along...

 

as adults, we understand there is a certain level of respect given as you walk through the hallways of a Veterans Hospital...an unspoken understanding that regardless of the outer or inner appearances and emotions...each of these men and women have endured life in a way most of us would never even fathom

 

LIFE MOMENTS...TWO

 

one wee little has to take a hundred trips to the bathroom...repeatedly...his brother and i would walk him down to the restroom and prop ourselves up against the wall across from where he resided...and inevitably as one wee littlest stood within those bathroom walls...someone would non nonchalantly walk up and knock on the door to see if the bathroom was vacant...and with each knock you would hear the voice of our little..

 

"HEY" 

or  

"I AM IN HERE" 

 

and each time he came out, i would explain to him that he needed to remember his manners and try to use a normal voice

 

and he replied

 

"but mama, they're old and i was afraid they could not hear me" 

 

true in many regards...most WERE among the elderly age

 

i understand but please try not to yell so loud 

 

"ok mama" 

 

now after a few hours passed

waiting for his poppi's surgery to be over

he says to me

 

"mama, i have to go to the bathroom" 

 

"again"  

 

"i have to sit" 

 

sighing...i say let's go and his brother and i walked him back down to the bathroom

 

this time we decide to stand guard

both of us laughing as we each take a post and place ourselves on each side of the door

this time ensuring there will be no yelling from within the walls of the bathroom

 

a few minutes pass by and suddenly there is a LOUD sound

 

i hear the sheer panic in the voice of our littlest one

 

"maaaamaaa...what's happening" 

 

its ok...its just an alarm going off...no worries

 

and just a quickly as these words slipped from my mouth  

i see in the corner of my eye a shadow coming swiftly towards me

i turn to look and see a nurse standing there frantic

 

 "is everything ok" 

 

and as i stand there looking and hearing her words...it hits me... 

that alarm that is ringing ever so loudly throughout the floor...that alarm

 

WAS SET OFF FROM THAT WEE LITTLEST ONE WHO WAS SITTING WITHIN THE WALLS OF THAT BATHROOM

 

oh my goodness...i am so sorry...he must of accidentally pushed the button

 

"mama what's happening"

 

"did you push a button" 

 

"no" 

 

the nurse stood trying to explain through the door how to push the button off...but nothing was making any sense to that wee littlest one  

 

"mama...there is no button" 

 

the three of us stood there looking dumb founded at one another

and then it stops

 

she looks at me

 then turns and walks away

 

one wee older one and i can not help but laugh

 

"mama" 

 

"yes" 

 

"soooo, i was just sitting in here and well i was playing with this string on the wall...i was bored so i decided to tie it in knots" 

 

THE STRING...i forgot all about the string on the walls

 

"bored eh...buddy...you can not play in the bathroom" 

 

"mama...i wasn't playing...i was just tying knots and i did not know it would make a loud sound...i'm sorry" 

 

 "it's ok...just please next time...do not touch anything"

 

"ok..but then how do you expect me to go to the bathroom" 

 

shaking my head

 

"no buttons or strings" 

 

"ok mama...i'm sorry" 

 

fourteen years~

i am understanding the age

lifes grand game of tug of war

the gentle pulling away

the unwanted letting of go

_DSC3760 edit 1.jpg

as much as i long to keep him safely tucked by my side...his wings are spreading day by day...flapping a little further from the nest we've created...boundaries being pushed...needs being extended a little farther by day

sigh...the years have passed on by far faster than i have wished

 

Forgiving

Optimistic

Unique

Radiant

Truthful

Encouraging

Enriching

Noble

 

Once more, the page turns, another chapter has begun

 

happiest of happy birthdays to our wee oldest one

 

arriving just in time~

a dear friend  

one unique artist

whos work bestows peace

he reclaims the lost

bringing life back to the once was

upcycling pieces

forging by hand and heart 

he creates the most wonderful bits of art i have seen

_DSC4041 edit 2.jpg

daily words 7

_DSC4036 edit 1.jpg

words and a bowl small enough to hold in the palm of your hand

quieting your mind

easing your thoughts

refocusing away from the negative

bringing the positive back to light

_DSC4035 edit 1.jpg

tiny sculpted leaves

 

Caroline Myss once said: 

 "The soul always knows how to heal itself. The challenge is to silence the mind."

 

and with that being said

hence for needing and wanting of a little help in aiding the silence

 

Barry's shop

is back up and running

and i do hope you stumble over for a visit

 

13...twenty three and many more~

tumultuous:

  

Making a loud, confused noise; uproarious:

 

Excited, confused, or disorderly

 

      TUMULTUOUS
       

    clearly.sums.up.our.days.of.June

       
    P1270398 edit 1.jpg

    13...twenty~three

     

    one fathers birthday celebrated

    our anniversary came once more

    a holiday together away

    two troublesome phone calls

    one sisters life takes an unexpected turn

    one fathers life joins her possible path

    savoring time

    yet feeling lost within the minutes passing by

    numb

    pushing through

    letting go

    putting lifes troubles in the hands of the universe

    hanging onto hope

     

     

    Someone once said: 

     "So don't worry about tomorrow, For tomorrow will bring its own worries. Todays trouble is enough for today."

     

     

    iphone pics 245 edit 1.jpg

    13...twenty~four

     

    a multitude of doctors appointment

    another dental disaster

    biopsies for one

    more testing for thee other

    optimism

    melt down

    flurry of falling outs

    comfort in the words of a sister so so far away

    time ticking

    exhaustion setting

    running away

    stumbling upon long lost hidden treasures

    riding the waves of life

     

     

    Someone once said:

    "I may not be the strongest, I may not be the fastest, but i'll be damned if i am not trying my hardest." 

     

    iphone pics 252 edit 1.jpg

    13...twenty~five

     

    appointments keep coming

    hearing haunting news

    confirmation of cancer for one

    yet more tests to be ran for another

    sinking

    yet trying to swim back to the top

    encouragement

    support

    clearing the way through the blur of my days

    sickness swirling

    rainy days keep coming

    mugginess that leads to an unpleasant stickiness

    down on my knees

     

    Victor Hugo once said:

    "Certain thoughts are prayers. There are moments when, Whatever be the attitude of the body, The soul is on its knees." 

    eight years~

    so   big

    yet still so small

    _DSC3743 edit 1.jpg

    last night

    for a moment

    just for a moment

    he forgot how big he was  

     

    i started humming  

    and he asked  

    "mama will you sing the words" 

     

      he allowed me to sing to him just like i had for so many years

     

    for a moment

    just for a moment

    i felt i had my baby back

     

     

    Enthusiastic

    Inspiring

    Genuine

    Humerous

    Tender

     

    happiest of happy birthdays to our wee littlest