deserving~

DESERVING

...worthy of...

is it in this idea that we deserve everything be it in good or bad that comes our way...in holding onto the thoughts that we are destined for the wonderfully good or doomed for the terribly bad

or is it in holding tight to the belief that what comes before us is presented before us for reasons far greater than we will ever know...is it in realizing or possibly discovering our inner strength which might not have been uncovered if our challenges were not endured...is it in rejoicing in the good and rejoicing in the bad...it is in learning that we can prevail through what ever life brings our way...is it in helping us realize we are worthy of achieving goodness if only we attempted to welcome and persevere through each triumph or struggle brought forth each day..is it in recognizing we deserve nothing but we are worthy of everything 

collectively gathering change~

late fall early winter

we witnessed a change

during the darkening of our days

as light diminished 

transformation began

fascinating to see how

as the light slowly slipped away

so too did the feathers of our girls

one by one

they dropped to the ground

the old being shed

without even a choice

releasing themselves 

to such a bare and vulnerable state

yet how they stood of grace

while they endured their transformation

as they awaited their newness

that would soon come to be

i could hardly keep up

with the feathers that were gracing our yard

maybe i am strange

but to me

they are a piece of delicateness

that we do not behold

a symbol of flight

of a journey that once was

unique eachly and rightly so 

some laid showing the weatheredness of time

while others seemed as if they were new

never touched or affected by the days that were

how could i not gingerly pick them up

wash them dry them and admire their beauty

we became apart of their cycle

their season that was

i could sense a completion

as the wheel began to turn

interesting that they too take to the shift of seasons

just as we

though ours seems ever so slight

 not as apparent to the eyes that are watching

more of a silent transition 

that surfaces with time

amazing what nature unfolds

all before our very eyes

Someone Once Said:

"Sometimes in the winds of change, We find our true direction."

perhaps~

Isak Dinsen Once Said

"perhaps he knew...as i did not...that the Earth was round so that we would not see too far down the road"

9...1~

 

my attempts in 2013 did not quite go as planned

the thought of catching up toward the end when i fell short

was well just not that appealing 

why go backward i thought

when i can move forward

so its one step towards filling in the blank pages

it happens but once a year

when most wake with a motivated plan

yet for us its a day we tend to veer far away from such

tis a day that is filled with the sweetest of sweets

to welcome and ring in the new

9...1

tummys plum full of cardamon filled round bits of deliciously wonderful lightly fried dough

savoring spiced apple syrup 

glasses filled with bubbles and orange

frosted white windows

rain less days that leave a bittery yet warm kind of feel

frustration released

therefor leading to peace

a new leaf turned

a fresh focused frame of mind

Someone Once Said:

"Life is an open book full of blank pages...You write the story as you go."

awaken~

on the first of january

i came upon my word for the year

in a different manner than i usually do

i chose to draw one oracle card 

allowing 2014 to be completely free from my own will and desires

and i do have to say i was quite pleased with the card that unfolded

a·wak·en

əˈwākən/

verb

rouse from sleep; cause to stop sleeping

and so shall it be

my

* word *

that will accompany me 

through the next three hundred and sixty sum odd days

in the years prior i always seemed to chose healing words 

and now it is time to entertain and embrace a new kind of feel

2013 i tip toed around and then fell into a bit of a slumber..occasionally i'd dangle my feet in the waters...gently touching the streams...but nothing more than paltry splashes here and there...this year...i want to submerge myself...i want to jump in and swim through the untouched waters and set sail on new adventures and endeavors

and all those wild dreams that have been laying dormant shall manifest

heres to

AWAKENING

my spirit and muse

" I am alive. I am awake. I am that I am."

2014...

all i can say is~

 

...WHAT.A.YEAR...

nothing less

nothing more

but simply

...WHAT.A.YEAR...

and i end it being sick...it was bound to happen...there was no denying such...being in a home filled with so many...somehow...someway...i managed to escape the illnesses and bugs that lingered...all up until two days ago...

thoughts of recollecting the past 365 days...mmm...not so much...head would like to explode...so i shall reminisce some other day or maybe not

but for now...me..i am truly counting down these final hours

 

fare thee well 2013

merry and bright~

may you embrace the magic of the season

may love fill your heart

may joy fill your spirit

may laughter abound

may memories be made

may this holiday be only merry and bright

a wintry solstice~

hush

speak not a word

pause

just as nature does

silence

your mind and your spirit

stillness

even if only for a moment

solstice blessings be with you this day

be the wind~

sometimes just sometimes~

dec 14 2013

Because sometimes just sometimes the simple route is just not that easy to attain

Yesterday dad met with a GI dr to re~discuss the possibility of a feeding tube...he has been on tpn for almost two months and they would like to get him off of it as soon as possible...he has been struggling to drink ~ eat anything orally which long story short has left his body depleted of many vital minerals and vitamins that are needed to produce red blood cells and to plainly keep you feeling well

as of yesterday his hematocrit level was borderline for him needing a blood transfusion 

So as you probably have guessed by now...yep...last night we headed back up...he is back to his favorite spa for a little nourishment...they started his blood transfusion a little while ago...he is extremely exhausted but hopefully as the day goes on he will perk up...

as I type dad is receiving his second blood transfusion as his blood counts are still low...he and his body responded very well to the first unit and he spent the day sleeping pretty well

as mom and I left...we saw a man coming down the hallway carrying a box with "human blood" written on it...I looked at him and said " I think you are carrying just what we were waiting for...thank you." The man just looked at me and continued down the hallway...as we walked outside there his car was parked..."the puget sound blood bank"...silently I said thank you

And now i sit here at home somber just as i have been all day

Blood...this is something I have never put much thought into...I have witnessed more than two handfuls of lives being brought into this world and two lives being taken...I have cleaned and mended many of wounds...i have seen and had plenty of blood being drawn but never have I seen or watched blood being given

Yesterday and today was not that of fear or sadness but of knowing and being accepting that this day may come...knowing and witnessing a life being sustained...a day where I sat there blankly most of the time crocheting time away...a day where random thoughts kept coming and going and pondering this thing called blood

O+ who ever you are...I thank you...me I have never donated a drop...I have many of excuses but when it comes down to it...none will ever be valid enough...not now or in the future for me...today watching my father as he was receiving blood was a surreal moment that immediately changed how I feel...such a simple small thing to do that each day makes all the difference in this world.

wishful white thinking~

no...it wasn't much

nor quite enough

but we took what we got and enjoyed it all the same

hoping though

yes hoping

that yesterdays fleeting flurry

was a glimpse of a winter of white that will soon come forth

!?! wishful thinking right !?!

Someone Once Said:

"Wishful thinking is one thing and reality another."

last week will forever linger~

many many moons ago a message came my way...a possible visit from a land far far away...the thought...just the thought...that it could quite come to be...was plenty for me

then as most of you know...our life as a family went by the way side...ups and downs and twists and turns that were all unforeseen unknown and unpreventable

my days continued on in this crazy spiraling path and before even realizing that thought that once lay out in the vastness of the world was actually manifesting into a real plan and time was ticking away far quicker than i could count on my hand was coming at me full speed 

and life as we know...more than ever before...decided to throw me another curve ball...the day we were going in to see if my dads treatment worked was the same day that i was to be at the train station awaiting the arrival of two very dear yet far away friends

i thought to myself why could this be...really...the one chance i have to meet these two face to face after days weeks months and years of visiting through the land of blogs...was really going to happen in the present moment and state of disarray that my life is currently situated in...a time when my life is so far from what it normally is...a time when my home is a far cry from the decency that it would once normally reside...and to add to i have to attempt to pull it all together on a day that i can only wish for such good news

and as i pondered all these crazy wild thoughts above...it occurred to me...why else would it be any different...this is my life...my life that they are and will be coming to see

me. just. as. i. am.

and then i thought...they...these two dear ones...are a good omen to me...my good omen sent forth for me to receive...why else would the universe send them my way on this very day...and so it was...such a beautiful blessing and omen they were and are...one that i will hold very close at hand for a long time to come

these two were exactly what i needed on that very day...all my troubles and worries...fatigue and to do's got to be temporarily placed on hold to enjoy the most wonderful visit of visits to be had...they brought an old familiar comfort like a blanket you have wrapped yourself in for years...an ever flowing conversation and sense of calming peace resonating as the minutes went by...strange as it may sound or be to many...to haev such a chance...too be able to meet two very real people who i have called friends for quite some time was most wonderful indeed...sigh...life feels grand...even if it is just for this moment in time

barry and fiona...i thank you for making your way to our land...for taking such time to stumble over and visit...and next time...oh yes...next time...we shall see you both on your mountain side

Someone once said:

"We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason."

the wonders & delights of salt lake city...day three~

day three brought time together in between his meetings...a moment to slip away and savor the lunch hour together...then back we went to the hotel for he had more business to attend...and me i continued wandering about relaxing back in our room...

when night arrived and his day had officially came to a close...when had the intention of going out for fondue...well this mighty plan abruptly came to a close as all their burners were out in the bar and it was a two hour wait to sit and dine...

we crossed the street and started aimlessly walking around... naming off places we saw...and then without even realizing earlier in the day...there sat a quaint little hole in the wall mediterranean restaurant...a sign from above...this was truly meant to be...of all the places we would chose to eat...greek food sits first on top of our list...this little hole in the wall that sat no more than ten people exceeded every possible expectation one could have for a meal...and then came dessert...sinfully wonderfully deliciously good...

and all too soon another day was quickly coming to an end

Someone once said:

"Never let a stumble in the road be the end of the journey."

the wonders & delights of salt lake city...day 2~

even on a holiday...i tend to go about my normal way...lucky for one as he can always sleep in and wake knowing coffee will be at hand...he has come to learn and accept this way of mine...and he does not budge when i slip out of bed and sneak out the door...i have always savored my early morning hours and this is one of those things that may never change...to grab my coffee and head out the door and witness the silence of a city slowly come to a wake...i have always loved the darkening hours

day two was filled with one love attending to business matters and leaving me to play...i watched the sunrise and pondered a bath...and well i could not resist soaking in such tub...i created the biggest bubble bath i ever have...so much so i almost overfilled the tub as i walked away to put away my camera...the thought of such made me laugh...but for me...knowing there would be absolutely no one knocking on my door...no littles calling my name...serenity was at hand...and this i had to embrace

i pondered knitting patterns while working on a scarf there in between...and after a good hour of deciphering...i decided if not now then probably never...so i reserved me a spot for the hotels grand high tea...i am learning to be alone...comfortably alone in places...despite the curious glances...i delightfully dined and marveled in the delectables placed before me and me...i too exchanged those same curious glances back at those who surrounded me

being quite shunned from public transportation growing up...sounds silly i know...me...i alone...have never hopped into a taxi and this was another thing i knew if i did not seize the moment i would have been wishing i had...i walked down stairs and out the front door...sat there watching the taxis come and go and then stood up and walked right over to one and into town i went...i walked the streets that even during lunch hour remained pretty still...salt lake is not a crowed busy place...most of the people walked about at a very calm cool pace...which made wandering alone a very comforting place to be

and after hours of touring i made my way back to the hotel...what a pleasing feeling to return to a place that has been all spiffed up...that is the one thing i love about staying in a hotel...i do not like making beds...and to return to your room that has magically been made up as if you were never there...love...love...love...and before too long...the sun was slowly sinking bringing the day to an end and one love returned from his business matters and together we enjoyed the peacefulness of the night

Albert Einstein Once Said:  

" The woman who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The woman who walks alone is likely to find herself in places no one has ever been before." 

the wonders & delights of salt lake city...day 1~

during the latter part of october we slipped away...i am coming to love october as a month of wandering about...this is the third year we have ventured out and traveled amidst the fall...and with each adventure...i am becoming captivated more and more by the season that is

day one filled us with many wonders and delights...from our hotel to the city itself...salt lake city embraces beauty and quietness all the same...a serenely peaceful place to stay

Henry Miller Once Said: 

"One's destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things." 

taking time to look~

one wee little one: will you take a picture

he says this as he is holding the curtain open in our bedroom  

me: in a little bit, i just put my camera away

one wee little one: but mama, you really need to come and look and bring your camera

i walked into our bedroom...made my way over to our window and was enticed by what he saw

me: thank you buddy for wanting me to come and look, my camera i am getting and what fascinating pictures they will be

Henry David Thoreau Once Said: 

"It is not what you look at that matters, it is what you see." 

9 weeks...

nov 5 

yesterdays drive home from the hospital was surreal...dad and i looked out the windows noticing how the season is passing in a blink of an eye and the sky held a touch of a wintery smile...

as we drove along dad and i expressed to one another how elated yet exhausted we were and how we were filled with many emotions...i turned to him and said "what are we going to do with ourselves now?" and then we both laughed...no more daily appointments...drives to seattle...back and forth...rushing around every morning to make sure we get out of the house on time...NOTHING...we have nothing scheduled until the 12th...

9 weeks ago, we got into my car...quiet on both of our behalves...it was a long, slow drive...no music lingering in the background...a staleness in our conversation...we had seen every doctor and nurse possible...we had been told everything we needed to know and what he was to expect but the reality was...neither of us really new what was about to happen or the journey dad would be starting...we were filled with still an abundance of questions that we knew as the days went by...slowly those answers would sort themselves and all that remained foreign would eventually become just a way of life...and sure enough a way of life it did become...

9 weeks ago...dad walked through the doors of radiation and faced cancer in the face...his fight to beat head and neck cancer began...

throughout these 9 weeks...dad amazed me with his strength...endurance...courageand will...as tough as times were...he never gave in to weakness...he never gave in to cancer...he woke each morning...mentally just as strong as the day before...he carried with him the words...I CAN DO THIS...and THIS HE DID...with a great deal of humor and grace...

9 weeks have passed and i sit here in awe...a loss for words as i am trying to type this...trying to summarize what i wish to express...i have so many thoughts...so much i want to say...9 weeks ago...our lives changed...and as i sit here thinking, i know now we are to attempt to get back to a some what normal state of living...a normal that as the days go by will continue to change...

i shared with dad yesterday what a testament too many he was and is...how thankful and proud i am for him opening himself up during one of the most personal, intimate moments of his life and how by allowing us to share his journey openly helped so many including us as a family...and it allowed so many to help us and bring us a sense of peace and comfort and drive to keep each of us walking positively and strongly through the days with him...

within these 9 weeks...some scrutinized or criticized us for sharing dads journey publicly...and for these i am just as thankful...because with each passing comment or thought of another...it just reinforced the preciousness of life...life is not always pretty...life is not always what we wish it to be...life is life...good and bad...and in the end, if sharing dads journey helped or helps one day to touched even one single soul...well then... 

IT WAS ALL WORTH IT...

every.single.word.and.picture.shared.here.

because reality is there is CANCER in our world...

CANCER IS REAL...CANCER IS WRETCHED...and at this moment...CANCER remains a daily battle each and every waking moment for someone in this world in which we live...so why would we hide it...disguise the ugliness and misguide others...why not share and possibly bring HOPE to another that no matter how horrible the day may feel...the sun will rise again in the morning and with that there will come a light that lifts all the misery...comfort in knowing that all they are experiencing, there is someone else out there that is or has been through a similar...that they are not alone...someone is and someone has walked the same line as them in some way, shape or form...

For 9 weeks we have carried HOPE in our pockets...now our HOPE changes to healing thoughts and wishes...HOPE that with each passing day, dad will continue to heal and recover from this wild ride he has had to endure...Hope in knowing when he revisits the ent dr. in december...dad will be told HE IS CURED...CANCER FREE...

9 weeks...YOU out there in this big wide world have been a beautiful part of dads journey and a blessing to us all as a family...there will never be adequate words to express how grateful we are for the love and support that has been given each day...it was within each of you, your words, comments and silent prayers that carried dad and our family through these last 9 weeks that have been...and for that we are forever thankful... 

13...thirty~two with many more weeks in between~

our seemingly endless summers days 

came quickly to a close

please pardon the lengthiness of such

13...THIRTY~TWO

preparing

bracing ourselves for what was coming

hearing the news

a dr. coming through

mistakes

missing the known

enduring on everyones behalf

change

accommodating

pain

sorrow

believing in the final

hoping for a cure

 Gilda Radner Once Said:

"Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity." 

warmth from the summers sun

brought forth a sense of autumn  

13...THIRTY~THREE

remembering our littles

giving

taking time

togetherness

 a moment of space

a family as is

playfulness

escaping our minds

warmth within the day

surrounded by picnics

rustling

stirring

yet settled

 Plato Once Said: 

"Life must be lived as play." 

the wait is over

13...THIRTY~FOUR

the time is now

a start

a beginning

anxiety flourishing

curiosity at ease

a first step for one father

his path unknown

strength from within

grasping onto what has been told

gripping faith

holding hope

believing the storm will pass 

rising above fear itself

 Someone Once Said: 

"The scariest moment is always before you start." 

september rolls in

the wheel begins to take its turn

13...THIRTY~FIVE

slowly sinking into a routine

everything we thought

no longer is

continually chaos

accepting

lack their of not even knowing

or attempting to understand

remembering there is a far greater plan

clutching the minutes

exhaustion setting in

rain is falling

clouds roll way

a new path unfolds

 Buddha Once Said: 

"No one can saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." 

the days are passing by with such a blurriness

yet a dragging slowness  

we all feel the pull

13...THIRTY~SIX

pondering the thought of needing to be cloned

possibility of six more of me

one for a wife

one for a mother

one for a teacher

two for care giving  

one for a daughter

one for a friend

arms feel as if they are being pulled  a hundred different direction

seeking and searching

 stumbling upon an old wooden fence

space granted to breath

bestowing a sense of peace

 Sir Thomas Browne Once Said: 

 "We carry with us the wonders we seek without us."

trying times have begun

in our lives

13...THIRTY~SEVEN

unfortunate events

cancers treatments kicking in

one father struggling with strength

longing for it to all be done

knowing when to walk away

leaving yet standing for one minute more

pondering the final hours of the day

the dance of living 

we are all learning

the balancing act

or caring for all

and remembering me

myself along the way

 Joseph Smith Once Said: 

"If you live up to your privileges, the angels can not be restrained from being your associates."

hitting the half way mark

hoping with everything in me

the rest is a down hill walk

13...THIRTY~EIGHT

stumbling upon an old dear friend

an extra hand presented without even knowing i needed such

pondering the mysteries and magic of life

one sisters cancer treatment completed

a scan presented

fingers and toes crossed  

that her journey comes to a close

one father hits a half way mark

his health rose once more

the wheel has turned

storms came way

rains broke through

wisdom keeps dripping in

 Someone Once Said:

"Believe you can and your halfway there." 

sorry for the novel above

but for me

i feel complete once more

knowing~

knowing today

she is in the hands of friends who care so much

wishing greatly

i could be with you my dearest friend and sister

as you begin this next step of healing

knowing though

you know that i love you so  

and care ever so deeply about you

i wish you well in the coming days 

i wish and pray with all i have

that your cancer will go away

all that you have been through

and all you have left to endure

leaves you still smiling

and

showing your beautiful colors

an inspiration to each and all

you truly are

my love light and blessings

be with you this day and those that come forth